Believe Me

To the rest of the world it's hidden - only a few really know. I'm lucky enough to be one. You view it as a weakness, I see it as a trait (or trial, perhaps) that makes you stronger than you already are. If only you could see it as well. You don't though, so it's my job to give it my best attempt and prove to you and remind you that you are truly one of the worlds best. I'm still new at this, I hope you'll remember - but I am going to try as hard as you do when my heart is feeling shattered. I hope I fix you, even if only a little.
You are wonderful. Nothing short of magnificent. You are my greatest blessing, best gift and truest friend. I'll go until forever ends trying to make you believe that.

Beds

Stuck in a world that keeps on turning, I'm caught in this moment with you. It's the same place I find myself every night. Lost in the sound of your sweet slumber while you twitch yourself to sleep. I smile and my heart jumps as I lay beside you - always beside you. The most wonderful person in the world. Mine for eternity. All of it. You are sleeping now, your breathing is heavier and I am still awake - catching glances of your relaxed silhouette. I'm so in love. In the morning we will wake. Messy hair and tired eyes, your arms will find their way around my body as you pull me in close and kiss my forehead. You'll ask how I slept and how my throat feels. I'll tell you I love you and I'll secretly hope we never would have to get out of this bed. I could stay here forever just being with you. Only you. Talking about whatever, crying if we need to, laughing when we can. Being so in love. So in this. These have become the moments that steal my heart, that I lose myself in. The place I am so sincerely happy.

When?

When is it my turn? When do I get to have the first and final say? When will I be brave enough to be the person I'm sure you want me so desperately to be?
I keep on imagining it will happen as miracles sometimes do.. But when will I have that magic stroke of luck?

Newtown

things will infect you. people will show they have stronger cruel sides - making you doubt the natural goodness everyone supposedly possesses. that isn't true in all the cases, we all know by now. some people (& thank goodness only some) are awful. textbook definitions of evil. their sins, unfathomable. how can someone be so terrible? take lives of little ones, mothers, friends, neighbors, sons and daughters? then coward away in his own blood. its sickening. i wonder what he hoped to accomplish by doing such a grievous act. did he ever once stop? or stutter his trigger finger, taking a brief moment to think of what he was doing? think on the lives he was ending and the families he was about to rip hearts out of? did he think of the mothers? the unwrapped christmas gifts? the beds a family should hope to expect their child inside each night? how is it that despite things people should just know, he acted. its disgusting. sickening. absolutely terrible.
if there is any silver lining to such a sorrow - at least they are in a better place. the children back with their Heavenly Father. safe out of any more of harms way. protected from worldly heartbreak. happy in such a brilliant and bright place.

my heart and prayers and love go to the families, friends and others effected by such a tragic event.
xoxo

paper buildings

its paper buildings just waiting to take flight. still shocked they were granted the chance. this once in a lifetime opportunity to rise and make the most of the pale-blue sky. the clouds dancing with them in friendship - they've long since proven their the only necessities for a newly founded tower. protection and support they quietly offer. its come to the conclusion that good things do happen. brightness has covered the land around and somehow the pieces picked themselves up. proof that sometimes time is truly all you do need. and so the windows open and the air happily bounces around its bricks. all it needs is the clouds -- and life is perfection in a universe.

The Real Adventure

don't look over your shoulder - thats only the past calling you back
it brought you here, it raised you, right
but tonight i'm praying you'll face forward
its these cryptic words i catch myself tangled in
effortlessly
don't hold the hand of the tempting one, there
i promise mine won't release the grasp of yours
some things aren't destined to be broken
intertwined, forever
perfectly how life was intended to be lived
forget about what stops you
focus on what drives you to make Him proud
lose yourself in what you want
not what you think you need
who cares how other people live
this is our lives - not theirs
sometimes your wants need satisfaction
but never lose sight of the bigger picture
remember those who'll never deceive you
never ask you to be anyone you're not
hold tight to this rope
anchor yourself to mine
we can float, together
just promise me you'll always stand proud
or at least try
and when you falter..remember me
keep in mind i'm here to build you back up
i'll always try
and continually get better at helping you remember
remembering how wonderful you are
to me
and to everyone you meet
something special beyond the dictionaries vocabulary
don't turn your eyes behind you
thats only what you know
its the unknown that really holds an adventure, anyway
jump in
face this lifetime with your chest held high
your eyes upward
and your smile brightly glowing 'cross your face
your hand in mine
trusting that it gets better with time
and i'm not giving up on you

Singing

I think I want to sing to you. I want to sing then cuddle in your arms as I remind you how wonderful you are. I'll never let you forget how I feel about you. I'm taking your challenge, you know. Just watch and see - I am stepping out of my comfort zone. Its about to get real deep and personal in our lives. But I imagine that is very good for almost husbands and wives. Can you believe its only ten more days? I will do this, soon. Prove my words aren't just talk. I'll be the one always there for you. Always there to be your shoulder to cry on and your heart to confide in. I'm yours, after all. I so love you.

"Off"

Right now I just need to hurt - but I can't tell you why, exactly.
All I know is my heart is heavy right now and I want to cry then have you grab me and let me bury myself in your chest while you nurse me back to health.
Life has been absolutely brilliant, lately. So I guess that would make sense that I'd fall, finally.
But my wishful thinking allowed me to think that everything was going to stay so breezy and flawless.
Or at least a level I could handle.
I can't handle the level I'm at now.
Somehow I'll be saved.
Things will fall into place as usual. Right now, I'm just caught up in an ache in my heart I can't explain.
Nothing makes sense and I can't keep track of my thoughts.
I wish you could feel my insides and understand what I mean when I say I don't know why I'm "off".
Maybe then you'd get an idea of why I'm fragile and why I am so...different.
Am I really as different as I feel?
Hormones are unable to explain, it seems.
And here I am..I was really wishing writing out whatever this ache is would help.
But its still there just as strong.
Its time to sleep I guess. Then I can forget about this and let tomorrow take over.
Now if only sleeping were as easy as it is to speak about.
Goodnight, tonight.
Pray tomorrow sheds more light.

it only gets greater

you sweep me off my feet when you catch me by surprise with your lips on mine, wrapping your arms around my body, taking me home. my heart begins racing as you whisper that you love me. you, my love, are the very definition of wonderful. you're beyond it. my clothes smell like you still and i can't stop myself from smelling them - smiling. when you run your hand up and down my back, or your hands on my hips.. i can't concentrate on anything else but how fortunate i am to be here with you right here. mine. soon, mine forever and ever. i wish you could feel how i feel at night when i think about you. or maybe, hopefully, you already feel the same. this love we are in is special. full of everything absolutely spectacular. i'm in constant awe of my luck and in a daydream when i look at the beauty of your face, body and heart. you've the sweetest heart the world will ever touch. and somehow, by some miracle you loved me enough to ask me to be yours for the rest of time. to think i'll spend the rest of eternity getting swept off my feet by your loving self is overwhelmingly, captivatingly incredible. i wouldn't change a thing. we won't change a thing. i don't know how it gets better than this, but they keep telling me it only gets greater.

Entirely Yours

You turn the lights on and you send the fireworks through the room - piercing my heart with your intense love every time. Your arms wrap around my body and I am the most comfortable I'll ever be. In this safety, I get lost in the moment. I am entirely yours. Captivated in the moment, our foreheads pressed together, I become overwhelmed with our love story. Can you believe we've come so far? Even lovelier, its only getting prettier. Tying the most valuable and important knot and keeping it tight for eternity. There is no one else I could possibly be so thrilled with. No other person could take your place. Love, you are my best friend and will be forever. In these moments, pressed against you I get flashes of futures. Happy times and sad times. Hard times and fancy-free days. Each part so near our outstretched hands. Oh, I love you. I'm so lost again. Lost inside of your perfect kiss. Swallowed up in the passion you have for me - who I am. And to think you say you are lucky! Everyone knows I'm the lucky one. The lights are off, again. You're in your bed and I'm in mine..wishing the day comes sooner when its our bed. When goodbyes aren't necessary, only goodnights. When I'll be calm, sleeping soundly knowing I will wake up to your perfect, beautiful blue eyes. The good news is: time passes. Like you say, each night is one night closer.

Meanwhile, lets get lost in another kiss and I'll dream about the future.

become

my lips are still numb from this. quite honestly, it still feels like a dream most the time. am i really this lucky? this blessed? i am! today made me believe it even more than i already did. i'm in a state i've never been in before. the spirit has never been so strong. i know. i know. i know what i'm doing is right. i know the way i've chosen to live my life, mistakes and all, is the path laid out for me. i know that i have a bright future and that i have the potential to be someone apparently very incredible. its been brought to my attention that i will become someone far better than who i am now if i continue to press on in excellence. now that i think of it, i should try even harder, now. yes its overwhelming. its hard to believe i can be someone so grand - but if He knows i can do it - i'll believe it, too. its time to buckle up and become. really though..how did i get so lucky? me? little imperfect, boring me. wow. i'm still numb. my heart is still racing and i'm still caught up in the permanent smile and butterfly filled body. i know things couldn't be any more beautiful. how blessed am i?

november

hello, its been a while. and since the last time i've spilled, my whole world has changed. my dreams i've wished for and written so often about are coming true.
its november, i tell you.
november was beautiful last year because it introduced me to the love of my life. it scattered flowers on my path and introduced me to true, true lasting love.
this november will be even better - i'm putting a label on our love. we'll call it: forever. time and all eternity.
i am marrying my best friend. 
it is so overwhelmingly beautiful. to say i'm happy, thrilled or ecstatic doesn't do this emotion justice. i am in the perfect place, i just have to wait two more lovely months for the most raw, perfect perfection. it feels long -- but i'm spending the days leading up to that white day with him. so of course i'll be alright. you don't even understand how lucky i am to have him.
i've always been living the dream..and i'm now in the real good part. the icing on the cake. the cherry on top.
oh, november.

my miracle

so many words are rocketing through me
i'm temporarily forgetting how to form legible thoughts
i'm captivated in this nine month moment
anticipating forever spent with him
its a pounding through my body
the constant reminder that he is mine
and i am his
its an inner battle
between hoping i'll always be good enough
and hoping we'll never lose the spark
praying each night to be mushy in-love
even when we're old and gray
there is a bliss in these afternoons
i am melting into him more every day
as he calms my fears
he is my miracle
the reason i am strong each morning
and confident every night
always knowing if i falter
he'll be there to stabilize me, again

writing has become difficult, lately. i don't know why - there just aren't words to accurately explain every detail of every emotion i'm experiencing. i don't know if i want to reveal those shadows, anyway. perhaps this is a blessing. who knows. this is writers block, i'll bet. and here i am..writing, still.

at least i am sure of some things. i know that when his arms are wrapped around me - i am home. the happiest i've ever been. i know that his eyes are a sanctuary, my place of refuge and comfort. i know that my family will always be there to back me up and hold me. i know that life is changing in a few months, but its part of a lovely, eternal plan. i know things will be different and i'll be worried and stressed out - but i have the support of phenomenal people who will help me in this transition. i know that i am so, so in love and its a mutual feeling. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and the luckiest girl on earth.

thats more than enough.

...

i can't wait until we don't have to say goodbye at night
        only goodnight.

so

i can't cry tonight
the glue on my eyes will run
regardless
i wish i could've poured it out for you
cups of salty tea falling down
don't ask why, please
it just feels right
i am settling in on cloud nine
and every emotion is nearby
crowding me with their strength
i'm so happy
of course its easy
to become overwhelmed
or so worried something will break
but i've found something concrete
something to believe in
wholeheartedly
i believe in us with all i can believe in
the big picture is what i try to focus on
the forever and ever part
the white moment that sparkles
starting a new chapter
binding two into one
tying a knot - the strongest kind
beginning a family
loving, overall
why wouldn't i be happy?

forever words

you make me excited
i smile bigger than i've ever done
i'm in love
and i'm in it deep
never been better, in fact
and things..
things are only getting better
growing stronger
tightly wound and binding
forever words
you left me breathless again
tonight as you walked away
i couldn't quit grinning
even after i closed the door
my mind kept traveling
to the soon months to come
how blessed am i?
wow
everything is perfect about this
i've never been more ready
i'm so in love

rambling comes easy when excited

there aren't words
but i'll give it a try

this is extraordinary
finally
the thing every little girl dreams about
from the time she can form a thought
is mine
the time has come
for certain, its in my hands
its real
everything is as beautiful as beauty comes
and its all mine for the taking
only small months and its set in stone
wow..

i think i've tried to act mature about this
like i'm used to this feeling
this intense, overwhelming sensation of excitement
but, come on
this is once in a lifetime
so i'm dropping that act
i'll let it show, now
no regrets as to how my heart is bursting
with every emotion
last night as i tried to sleep
i felt it stronger than ever
just how real this is
and just how anxious and eager i am

i'm ready, love
to take this on
hand in hand
my mind is in place
to prepare and get things done
all i need is you

still
there just aren't words
i'm too excited for such a limited vocabulary
i'm sure i'll always keep trying..

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

making plans

this talk..

those words

get me so excited

i can't believe it

these grown up things are happening

to me

we are talking long term

making plans

with eternities on our tongues

smiling and keeping eye contact

things are on their way to changing our lives

planning a future

one side by side

hand in hand

together

it gives me butterflies

because its real

it isn't a tale in my head

or a book to be read

its reality

its me and you

and we're talking about it

no more beating around that bush

we're planning on it

and you call it soon

this year, even

dreams are coming true this year

two lives will change

together

how neat is that?

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

promise

don't look over your shoulder - thats only the past calling you back
it brought you here, it raised you, right
but tonight i'm praying you'll face forward
its these cryptic words i catch myself tangled in
effortlessly
don't hold the hand of the tempting one, there
i promise mine won't release the grasp
some things aren't destined to be broken
intertwined, forever
perfectly how life was intended to be lived
forget about what stops you
focus on what drives you to make Him proud
lose yourself in what you want
not what you think you need
sometimes your wants need satisfaction
but never lose sight of the bigger picture
remember those who'll never deceive you
never ask you to be anyone you're not
hold tight to this rope
anchor yourself to mine
we can float, together
just promise me you'll always stand proud
remembering how wonderful you are
to me
and to everyone you meet
something special beyond the dictionaries vocabulary
don't turn your eyes behind you
thats only what you know
its the unknown that really holds an adventure, anyway
jump in
face this lifetime with your chest held high
your eyes upward
and your smile brightly glowing 'cross your face

give it all

"i

i give it all

i trip and fall

for you

and i 

hope you wouldn't mind

just one more try

for something new

i need you

i need you

don't be shocked

if i cry

you've changed me

inside

you are the only reason

i pull through

i pull through"

-he is we

daydreaming

i dream about it every night, now

if not in sleep - daydream

quite honestly, it consumes my whole heart, now

its all i want

its what i work for

what i pray for every morning and night

when i think of anything

its that thought

wondering (patiently, of course) when the day will arrive

perfectly at the door to my forevers

i'm more in love than i knew possible

better than fairy-tales, romantic movies and novels about love

what we created is better

don't you agree, darling?

its night time, now

so goodnight my love

i'll dream of you, again, tonight

The Way

You're so good. The way everyone else's wants and needs are placed before your own. The way you have a passion for the people you love and care for. The way you have this stunning eye contact that sends my heart into paradise. The way you wrap your arms around my body at the exact time I need a hug, most. You're so good. The way you are so wonderfully perfect.

Just Talking

Reminiscing. 

Do you remember the night we laid in my room for hours

Just talking

Maybe those are the moments you say we should try for

At least once a week

Just talking - getting deeper

I'd adore it, love

I love your face when you talk serious

The way your eyes radiate intensity

You mean what you say

And you'll keep the promises you make

I trust you with my full heart

And know this can only grow

Just talking

Pieces Eventually Make a Whole

Every time you go home
A piece of me you take.
But I know I'll be safe there, soon.
After all, all these pieces
Will someday make a whole
Bringing me there, next to you
Forever, if only.
Every day is one day closer
To the biggest day, you know?
I'll be patient
You'll be strong
And we won't give up
On this
Or each other.
You don't believe in Hollywood
So we'll make something better
While we build up this painting
Anticipating each tomorrow.
When you steal another piece of me..

i need you to fix me, again, love

seeds of insecurity are easy to plant
bravery seeds are harder
and i falter almost every time
accepting the fact that right now
i'm insecure

all i need to feel better
bluntly

is you

until the end of forever

and lucky for me
(and hopefully you feel the same)

...forever has no end

This is Gross

Its like every fake thing was bottled up and now, let out, but for no reason. My mind can't keep up with the way my heart is racing - my emotions holding tight to the reigns. I want this to be over with so I can really enjoy things. No more of this half-hearted stuff. I want the weight off my chest, gone, and the hole in my thoughts, filled. But right now, thats too much to ask and not even the strongest doses of medication fix that. Its the price you pay, everyone tells me. I know that, but when the moments here, theres no logical thinking available. A pick-me-up would be nice, but I don't know if the usual would work, this time. Its like a stubbornness you can't shake. Eventually, hopefully even tomorrow, things will even out, again. The chemicals in my body will remember the peaceful way to navigate inside me. For now, I will just fight it. Or lay here on the couch. Probably the latter.

Forever Bells

The sound has been loud in my ears the past few months

I always ignored it

Because these are the moments I can't let myself bring up

Hoping, daily, you would

But take your time, I need to learn to be patient, anyway

In the meantime, you can find me with my head in the clouds

Forever bells ringing loud and clear

Promising me the future I've been wishing for

lay beside me

i'll lay here if you lay beside me

 i don't like doing things alone

 after all this time with you near me

 i think i'm realizing you are home.

Spider Web Thoughts

I make myself laugh at how bipolar my insides are

Its like, sometimes..

I want everything I'm working against

There, of course, are the few certainties

Things I'll never, ever give up

But then there are the wandering ones

Spider web thoughts

Crawling through my veins

Up into my brain

Cycled to my heart

Lets face it, half the time I don't know what I want

I think I'm caught up in my age

Feeling old and mature

But in reality

I'm sure I'm still young and naive

I still need the help 

I can't decide if I like asking for

However

Wishing I was given real agency is still there

Sitting in the front of my mind

Someday it'll be noticed

Maybe even given

For now, I am in this odd cycle

The old and new spiders

Infecting me with all their possibilities

Good and bad

Happy and sad

You know the whole ordeal

The whole darned ordeal

But also, its amazing

If it wasn't already clear, allow me to tell you, now

I'm torn in what I am usually thinking

The pros and the cons always get me

Different sides seem fine

Each could be pleasing

I'll admit it..

I know the real answer

I'm just caught in the moment, now

Surely, I'm staying here

Still small and under a ruling thumb

But its where I've chosen to place myself

Actions of a lifetime led me here

Time to grasp it

Like I usually do

It was only a weird morning

you captivate me, still

nothing is more perfect

than the rush of butterflies i get

when you hug me from behind

feeling you breathing on my neck

as we talk, smile and laugh, together

i crave it

i adore it

i love it, of course

it never fails to send me spinning

and cause my heart to smile

nothing is more brilliant

than your beautiful blue eyes

i'm shocked, sometimes

that i've known you so long, now

and still get goosebumps

when i make eye contact with you

i crave it

i adore it

i love it, of course

i'm never anything short of twitterpaited

completely captivated by your radiance

terribly, incredibly in love with everything about you

Storm

Ah, I need to write. Maybe that will calm the tornado inside of my stomach before the hurricane of tears, that has been sitting right behind my eyes for a few days, now, overwhelms me. What makes this feeling worse is that I don't even know why I feel so small next to my emotion. What is wrong with me? I could easily suck it up to being female. Hormones, you know? But what if I feel like its something more than that? Its been a whisper in my mind a few days, but today it hit me like a rock. Something inside of me isn't settled like it should be. I can't place my finger on what it is. Well, I know I'm worried about something. That, I know. Why am I worried, though? I have a tremendous family, a loving boyfriend who means the world to me. I have good friends, again. I have shelter, safety and security. So what is it? Fine, I'll call it hormones.

Simpler Love

You make me warm inside as you send chills down my skin

To put it simply, you are perfect

Simpler, I love you

Its why I call you my Love Bird

The best emotion and all this new freedom from everything I needed

I crave you

The feeling you give my heart is the feeling we're all meant to find

You're every single kind of perfect

Perfectly wonderful

And my happiness, hero and earthly angel

You keep me warm whilst the goosebumps rage on

While the fire still burns

Sparks fly

Simply, my love bird, I adore you

I love, love, love you

Real

It takes a real man, and the most ultimate kind of gentleman to let his girl know he loves her, even after he's had her a while.

It takes the very luckiest girl to get that kind of man.

Its a miracle I'm the girl who found that man.

A Little Girls Dream

I'm at that age. The age finally came. Here I am eagerly standing, nervously at the door to my future. The one I've been daydreaming of since I was young enough to craft a pretty fairy-tale. Can that time really be so close? Is this the year? Is it 2012 that will change so much? (for the best, of course) My heart is beating quickly and I think my veins are growing, somehow. I've never looked forward to something with so much passion. I've never wanted something so, so desperately. A dream come true that has only just begun and will undoubtably raise me to the highest level of cloud nine. Because the age has come and I'm old enough to know its real. The future is coming, I can taste it and graze it as it waits in front of me. It's happening, now.

The Fondest

i missed your goodbye kiss, tonight, and begin wrapped up tightly in your arms like i've grown so used to. i'll never take that for granted, again..if i ever did. i always knew those instances were special beyond words descriptions. i was happy, tonight. it was a good evening in the presence of my beautiful family, but i still felt like half of me was absent - the better half, of course. sure, the days you'll be gone aren't long, but when you've become so accustomed to being with someone every single day, theres a sensation of nakedness when they're away. you know what they say, though. absence makes the heart grow fonder. mine already has traveled leaps and bounds. my heart is so fond of you. i can't wait to spend forever in this if you want it as badly as i do. which i believe you do. so my heart is hopeful in this whole ordeal. i hope you're safe and warm, tonight. know that you are on my mind and i'm loving you, strongly. happy hunting, love.

I Wouldn't Mind

Merrily we fall
Out of line, out of line
I’d fall anywhere with you
I’m by your side
Swinging in the rain
Humming melodies
We're not going anywhere until we freeze
I’m not afraid, anymore
I’m not afraid
Forever is a long time
But I wouldn't mind spending it by your side
Carefully we'll place our destiny
You came and you took this heart, and set it free
Every word you write or sing is so warm to me, so warm to me
I’m torn, I’m torn to be right where you are
I’m not afraid, anymore
I’m not afraid
Forever is a long time
But I wouldn't mind spending it by your side
Tell me everyday I get to wake up to that smile
I wouldn't mind it at all
I wouldn't mind it at all
You so know me
Pinch me gently
I can hardly breathe
Forever is a long, long time
But I wouldn't mind spending it by your side
Tell me everyday I get to wake up to that smile
I wouldn't mind it at all
I wouldn't mind it at all

Prince Charming

i saw it again, last night

as i lay in bed - it was there

its a half a second of a moment i see in the future

our future

you're standing, smiling looking to your right

looking as handsome as i've ever seen you

holding your lapel with your right hand

taking my breathe away

your hair is placed perfectly

making you look like a real life Prince Charming

you blink

and my heart flutters

i can only imagine how my soul would fly

when you look at me in that second

i'm soaring just thinking of it

the background behind you fills me up

i'm ecstatic and know this lasts forever

its beautiful

its that brief moment i see almost daily..

and i can't get enough of it

until i see it in real life

overwhelmingly satisfied

goodness

if my life had a title, i'd entitle it; overwhelmed

but not in the way where i feel hopeless and despair-trapped

overwhelmed in a good way

a perfect way

overwhelmed at the blessings that are poured upon me, daily

overwhelmed by the spectacular people in my life

overwhelmed by the love i've fallen into 

overwhelmed that i've found my real, amazing best, best friend

overwhelmed that i'm so certain of some things

overwhelmed by visions of the next few months and what treasures they hold

just..overwhelmed

small

it is small and not so bad, after all. the aches and pains are rather minuscule compared to what others are trying to battle. so, really, i'm lucky. the important thing is to keep moving. keep moving forward because standing still gets you nowhere, of course. all you need is a trustworthy soul by your side and the faith to continue. i've got it all in my pocket and the path is set for the walk. here we go. count your blessings, because in reality, it is small.

your talent

you do it so easily - taking my breath away like its your strongest, greatest talent
holding me so close to your body, i'm in the very place i need to be
this is surely the place i was born to find and grow attached to
you've put a sparkle into my life that no one else could ever do quite as well as you
i love you and thats as simple as i can make it
everything you do fills me to the brim with every good emotion
i'm head over heels in this, fully devoted and with an always and forever heart in your hand

everything happens when it should, in its own, RIGHT time

thick walls closing in on every side - her body is shaking and her mind is overwhelmed in deep, intense thought. its almost classified as a bearable, border-line enjoyable pain. sorrow, perhaps? regardless, the feeling is real and patience is becoming something like the Devil. a difficult virtue to embrace, a thought she repeats all too often for sanity. life is a ride, meant to be enjoyed, but its less than flawless when her heart becomes so eager it nearly bursts each night as she sleeps in a blur of insomnia and dreams. wishes. dreams, however, do become reality, from time to time. she smiles to herself, believing this is a reality coming to pass. the warm air and sparkling stars don't even to justice to his beautiful face as she thinks back on his touch and his kiss. its overwhelming, certainly. but every kind of perfect that any blooming blossom should want to need..and just need. its perfect, really. the wait, and all.

Rhymes

You are the wind thats underneath me

You are the fire that burns inside me

You are the reason that I smile

The reason I'd go the extra mile

Without you here, I'm nothing

You give my soul reason to sing

I'm in the debt of your sweet heart

You and I can't ever be apart

I am in this - forever with you

Oh my darling, I love you 

admiration, adoration and obsession

i could, forever

if i could remain by your side

sitting in silence

or engulfed in chaotic noise

i'd be happy

as long as you're the hand next to me

to hold onto

i'd rather argue forever with you

than go a single second

without knowing your sweet soul

i know now

not only do i want you

but

you've become a need to my survival

i love you

i guess it is as simple as that

sometimes 'love' seems to be the only word

i can use

since words usually fail me, though

i guess i'll spend the rest of my life

proving my admiration, adoration and obsession

through action

i could, forever

and ever

let me?

Still Here

Another night of built up hopes brought to life, effortlessly - and I'm still feeling all of you here with me, around me, on me, safely, as I allow night time to swallow me into a dreamland. I hope I find you there, because to be honest, I miss you the moment you begin walking away. It is too entirely sweet. Perfect as the sun setting over the mountains. My fingers twitch around as if they are lost without being in between yours. Thank heavens for tomorrows. I so hope you're sleeping well.

Home is Where the Heart Is

Its where I fit so perfectly. When everything is good or when everything is wrong, its simple; its where I belong. Would it be alright with you if it is where I call home? Its where I'm most comfortable, the place I'm anxious to fall into, the hold I need throughout every second of my day. I love it. I love you, the way you hold me there, comfortably, sweetly and strongly. I'm safe there in your arms. I'm happiest there. Words don't accurately describe the way my heart sings and flutters when you've got me there, darling. I hope you know this. Its you. Just like I imagined from the beginning. I know I'm stubborn and hard to get through to on occasion, I'm all too typical of a girl, sometimes, but you somehow always know what to say to get me to break and release whats held in. Then, again, I can find myself back in my favorite, safest place. The home where my heart is free to feel and to dream and to really be itself. Its where I fit so perfectly when all I need is to fit.

Things I'll Never Say

"I'm tugging at my hair

I'm pulling at my clothes

I'm trying to keep my cool

I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet

My cheeks are turning red

I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it

If I could say what I want to say

I'd say I wanna blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down

On one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

Whats wrong with my tongue

These words keep slipping away

I stutter, I stumble

Like I've got nothing to say

If I could say what I want to say 

I'd say I wanna blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down

On one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say"
-Avril Lavigne

..but maybe, someday..

Missing You

Oh my gosh, I miss you.

I really thought these few days without you wouldn't be so empty, but they are.

I'm naked without you, my other half is gone

The handsome man who is always by my side..isn't, tonight.

All I can let myself dwell on, to save myself from loneliness

Is the monumental amounts of fun you must be having with your brothers in one of your favorite locations.

Also, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder

And missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you that you love someone

I love you so much.

But, wow..I miss you, tonight.

Its an awkward feeling spending a Saturday night alone.

Its bizarre not having your arms wrapped round me while I lay on your chest

Talking, laughing and falling asleep..

I can't wait to see you, tomorrow.

Come home, safely, okay?

I love you, darling.

Best, Best Friend

I'm in the mood to spill. My heart is beating, bursting out of my chest as I lay here in the dark, encircled by the glow of the computer screen. I suppose I have a lot on my mind, tonight. Don't fret, though. Its only goodness and anticipation. There isn't an ugly thought in sight, for once. I'm finding myself, here in a lovely light - basking in the glow of what I've built with my best, best friend. I think of him and my heart gets warm and I blush to myself. Its glorious. I love him and I'm seeing the very best images when I picture what this future could be like. Think it could really happen? I do. Theres a reason we're together, me and him. So why wouldn't the days ahead of us be flower fields and sunny days? Mm, how lucky I am.
There. I spilled. Goodnight, lovelies.

No More Circles

I wish I could perfectly remember each sentence you say. Especially your words and phrases from tonight. Because, tonight was perfect. Untraditional, for sure. But perfect. Everything I needed to hear fell into my heart and I am calm, finally at ease. I know what I need to work on - you reminded me, again, and its still my work, hopefully in progress. Change doesn't happen over night, of course. But together, we're something unbeatable, never duplicated, one of a kind. No more circles, our path is headed straight into a forward, long-lasting fashion. Its where we both know in the back of our minds we belong, anyway. If we didn't, we wouldn't have come so far and held on so long, never giving up on one another. I still swear that, by the way. I will never, ever give up on you, you beautiful person. 

Tonight, I lay in bed with a smile on my face and a larger grin across my heart. Everything is falling into place. Our future is securing itself more and more with each passing goodnight kiss and I'm falling more and more in love with this, each time I look into your silky blue eyes. I'm happy here. I'm easily free. I'm with you, forever, I hope. Where I swear I am meant to be.

Able

I know how to do this. I shouldn't have to still take instruction on something I've securely managed. All you're doing at this point is planting seeds of false-worthy in my mind. Let it be. Let me live and learn. I am capable of doing something right - this right. Trust in me like you tell everyone else you do. I'm able. I've got it under control, safely in my heart.

not a want, but a need

I need you.

Because I can't imagine a day without you, let alone a lifetime. 

So, please, stay with me, stay mine, forever and ever.

Always

I guess I've always needed someone to knock some sense into me, gently or bluntly, as long as they always hold my hand in the end. I've needed a savior to point out what I'm too blind to see, then hug me tight when I've seen my foolish ways. I've always longed for you, a sweet hearted soul to be my better half and help me achieve my highest, greatest potential and kiss my lips in that knee-buckling moment to remind me you're here for me. I have always wished for you, someone to believe in me, break me out and remind me that I am perfectly fine to be myself-no one else can do it better, then lay your forehead on mine and look into my eyes.

Still Little

I guess we never really do grow up
After all, each day we're one day older and yesterday we were just young and stupid
Emotions still overcome us
Happy endings and sad tales make us cry
Mommy and daddy always save the day
And there will always be the feeling of being small and incapable
And strong and unstoppable
Someone's always bigger and better
There will always be the person who holds your hand and says you can do anything
You'll never really want to be alone
The world will always be big and your dreams even bigger even when they change
Home is where you'll always long to be, under a roof with the people who love you most
I guess we never really do grow up

Soldier

A brave, humble soldier with a battle wound or two but no less perfect. Valiant and vigilant he fights not only for himself but for those around him, his loved ones back home. Bravery and faith and the hope of a new, more perfect tomorrow keep his head held high. The belief that all scars one day will heal keeping him hopeful. He was raised well and knows right from wrong and that tough times don't last. He's one of the few who truly qualify as an ultimate example. Respected by many and friendly to all, he never puts himself first. The most wonderful soldier fighting on despite his wounds, desperations and his own inner-battles. The most noble, tremendous soul always ongoing no matter what.

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

on the line

"i told you my hearts leaning towards you

a little more than i knew

something was scaring you

is it too much?

or too fast?

or too forward?

should i step back and pretend

i don't feel this way?

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't love alone

i tried not to fall so far for you

now i can't get away from anything you say

you make me feel nervous and childlike

whenever i tell you i'm tired of playing games

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't stay here wondering if you love me

if you don't say it

at least speak

..its on the line i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes 

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone"
-katelyn tarver-

6

a half a year of pretty

half a year of bliss

flawless blessings

Steam

Open-hearted conversation with the one you love and trust the most has got to be the most overwhelmingly, inspiringly beautiful emotion. Right? Tonight, the heat rose from the hot water and I felt the notion to open the thoughts scurrying 'round my head ..and he listened to it all. Its impossible to get luckier than this. Speaking from serious matters, comedic matters and what would, to some, be awkward matters, the words slipped our lips and everything about it was natural and heart-warming. I so loved it. The acceptance he and his big, gorgeous heart have for me is the very definition of perfection, calm and happiness. I've never been happier. Tonight as I attempt to rest my mind and body and those last few words, phrases and moments trickle through my brain - surely, the last and happiest thought I'll smile into will be tonight. The open conversation with the one and only.

love

Good morning, May. I'll admit, I've been anxious for you. There is something about you that has had me captivated for weeks, now. Perhaps its the happiest place on earth that awaits me at the end of your days, or maybe its the simple fact that it will be another thirty-one days spent with the most beautiful man earth has to offer that I'm blessed enough to call mine. Spring is good, too, and thats where your sweet-scented days fall. I'm eagerly awaiting the warm nights and big, friendly stars you'll graciously offer me, as well. Oh, you lovely month, I think I'd even go as far to say I've missed you. May, you know we've had a few bad rounds in the past years, but you're on my side this year, aren't you? I know you are. You're lovely and I'm so happy to welcome you back. Good morning, dear May, may the smiles await.

This is the Life

Laying here, wrapped inside what you let me use to aid my sleep. Its peaceful here and the smell of it overpowers me with every memory involving your sweet face. Nothing is better than this. Things are becoming nearly flawless and I'm becoming the person I want to be - we wanted me to work towards. How great is that? Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. The same life I used to only hurt inside is now so much less achey and a million times more flowery and elegant - showering me with laughs, smiles and hints of happily-ever-after. This is the life.

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

Surprise

It was the first step of many - but I didn't know that when I said it. Like always, you pointed out the best in me. If I could do that, take that big step and show some bravery, then I can do anything. I've always been able to, its just taken you to point it out to me. What would I do without you? Its amazing what that did to me. It sent a flame through my body full of confidence and self-worth. Amazing how things work. Finally, I can say this with certainty, not just words, actions will back this--the change is coming. Here it comes!

Tonight

Sweetheart

You are the sweetest soul in the whole wide world

Everything is right about you

And tonight confirmed that more than ever

Mm, I adore you

Love you, even

The way you lift my chin to kiss my lips

When you look into my eyes and call me pretty

How you hold me close to you in your arms

The way you take my breathe away

And the list goes on and on, my darling

This is only short and not much creativity was put to it

But before I could rest my eyes, tonight

I had to spill, even a little bit, my heart

To inform you once again

You're the one and only

The only one for me, my dear

Here It Comes

I'm cold and I'm anxious. I have an overwhelmingly exciting feeling that things are about to fall into place in the way I've always dreamt it would. Dreams are well on their way to coming true and there is nothing more beautiful. Now, if only I could do, what I've decided, is my part in this pretty picture I've painted with the most beautiful person in the whole world. Time has done me well and its screaming in my heart now that now is the time to do what I've known I should have done all along. Take a deep breathe, girl. Here it comes.

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

You're Missed

So, I miss it. I miss the closeness we once had. The hours we'd spend together that most people would consider pointless--they were everything but that, right? I miss telling you every secret I need to tell. I miss seeing your car pull up in my driveway and seeing your blonde hair in curls waiting for me. I miss laughing deep into the night. I miss dancing. I miss solving problems together. I miss knowing everything about you and having your example heavy in my life. You were the girl I needed and I think I'd love you back. My best friend I miss.

My World

I want to live in a world where everything is peach-colored and flawless and the trials we endure never hurt for too long. Once a lesson is learned, its learned - you'd never forget it. You'd never make the same mistake twice. Feelings wouldn't hurt because people are kind enough not to hurt others. Rumors don't spread because they never start and peers don't judge because of what you look like. Smiles would overpopulate the frowns - there would be no frowns. Shy girls could tell their boyfriends they love them even if it scares them to death because everyone would be confident in themselves...even the shy girls. Children would respect their parents and parents would respect their children's space. Religion wouldn't tear people apart. Differences would be accepted. Being unique would no longer be frowned upon. Embarrassing moments would be uplifting and goofy laughs would be everyones favorite. I want to live in a world where happiness is everyones motto and smiles are more important than money. Oh, what a world.

i like the way you are my boyfriend

I like the way you care for me and you don't care who sees it. I like the way you look at me like theres no other girls in the world. I like the way you smile when I look over at your perfect face. I like the way you help me work to solve my problems. I like the way you listen to whatever I say, even if its boring or irrelevant to you. I like the way you dance with me with no music playing. I like the way you say I'm pretty. I like the way you have my heart in your hands and I know its safe, there. I like the way you like me. I like the way you squeeze me close to your body. I like the way you are invested in my happiness. I like the way you are mature and responsible. I like the way you make me laugh until my stomach hurts. I like the way you interact with my family. I like the way you sing - especially at church. I like the way you lift my chin up and kiss my lips. I like the way you tuck my hair behind my ears. I like the way you care for your nieces and nephews. I like the way you call me Cee Cee. I like that you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend. I like the way that you drive safely. I like the way you don't let pride ruin your life. I like the way you eat. I like the way make me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt. I like the way you notice the little things. I like the way you always know what to say. I like the way you smile - that melts me. I like the way you stand behind me. I like the way you make me believe in our future. I like the way you remind me you're there for me. I like the way that you're my ultimate support group. I like the way you want to work on the things that need attention. I like the way you smell. I like the way your heart beats when I lay my head on your chest. I like the way you remember what I tell you. I like the way that you love your family and the gospel. I like the way you know right from wrong and you choose the right way no matter what. I like the way you make me like you so, so much. I like the way you're you. I like you. A lot.

A Favorite Fairy-Tale

Ours

is a 

Knight in Shining Armor

and

Damsel in Distress

kind of tale

You found me and saved me

Before I even knew you wanted me

You'd done things to my mentality

I have been longing for

For ages

You're my hero

My prince

My true knight in shining armor

I was the broken maiden in a tall tower

Visited by some

Left by many

You were the noble, gentlemen

Who took the time

Dedication and responsibility

To climb the tower

And sweep me off my feet

You wiped the tears from my eyes

And the worries from my heart

You put calm in my mind

And a smile on my face

And we lived happily ever-after

Coming

I did it again, I think. But I'm one step closer to getting it right. One day, finally, I won't let you down. I won't disappoint or give you the urge to walk away from the bench. I'll say and do exactly as I should. I'm going to get it right, I just need your patience and for you to realize we come from different backgrounds, different homes. I'm trying but we know I'm timid. My past full of rockiness has created me to become this girl. But don't worry, the new Chelsea is on her way. Just understand that and be patient. She's a-commin'.

Sweetly

Its the way you kiss me - you take my breath away

Every moment I'm granted the opportunity to stare into those blue eyes

I feel my heart palpitate faster and faster

And the smile on my face surely grows, rapidly.

I'm in love, okay?

There is nothing mediocre about you, darling

Every inch of you is flawless

And every part of your soul is magical

You are my hero and my saving grace

You're the heart, eyes, smile and soul I've been searching for

That one person placed on earth I was meant to find.

People call it soul mates, I guess.

If those are true, then you are mine

Because there is no way you couldn't be.

When I am with you, I am home.

Your smell sets my butterflies at ease

Your hugs lift me from a low place I've found myself in

Your kisses on my forehead prove I'm beautiful

They prove that you care for me.

When you come up behind me and meet me with your lips

I feel everything coming together

Like a beautiful puzzle fitting neatly and majestically.

We are meant to be, undoubtably

I'm captivated but I'd hate to be anywhere else

When you leave at night, I can't wait to see you, again

Even an hour becomes too long without your sweet self.

But every moment I know you're mine

I'm reminded you are worth it.

I'm in love, okay?

Its your kiss that sets it off.

Mmm.