its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.

daydreaming

i dream about it every night, now

if not in sleep - daydream

quite honestly, it consumes my whole heart, now

its all i want

its what i work for

what i pray for every morning and night

when i think of anything

its that thought

wondering (patiently, of course) when the day will arrive

perfectly at the door to my forevers

i'm more in love than i knew possible

better than fairy-tales, romantic movies and novels about love

what we created is better

don't you agree, darling?

its night time, now

so goodnight my love

i'll dream of you, again, tonight

Spider Web Thoughts

I make myself laugh at how bipolar my insides are

Its like, sometimes..

I want everything I'm working against

There, of course, are the few certainties

Things I'll never, ever give up

But then there are the wandering ones

Spider web thoughts

Crawling through my veins

Up into my brain

Cycled to my heart

Lets face it, half the time I don't know what I want

I think I'm caught up in my age

Feeling old and mature

But in reality

I'm sure I'm still young and naive

I still need the help 

I can't decide if I like asking for

However

Wishing I was given real agency is still there

Sitting in the front of my mind

Someday it'll be noticed

Maybe even given

For now, I am in this odd cycle

The old and new spiders

Infecting me with all their possibilities

Good and bad

Happy and sad

You know the whole ordeal

The whole darned ordeal

But also, its amazing

If it wasn't already clear, allow me to tell you, now

I'm torn in what I am usually thinking

The pros and the cons always get me

Different sides seem fine

Each could be pleasing

I'll admit it..

I know the real answer

I'm just caught in the moment, now

Surely, I'm staying here

Still small and under a ruling thumb

But its where I've chosen to place myself

Actions of a lifetime led me here

Time to grasp it

Like I usually do

It was only a weird morning

Missing You

Oh my gosh, I miss you.

I really thought these few days without you wouldn't be so empty, but they are.

I'm naked without you, my other half is gone

The handsome man who is always by my side..isn't, tonight.

All I can let myself dwell on, to save myself from loneliness

Is the monumental amounts of fun you must be having with your brothers in one of your favorite locations.

Also, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder

And missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you that you love someone

I love you so much.

But, wow..I miss you, tonight.

Its an awkward feeling spending a Saturday night alone.

Its bizarre not having your arms wrapped round me while I lay on your chest

Talking, laughing and falling asleep..

I can't wait to see you, tomorrow.

Come home, safely, okay?

I love you, darling.

on the line

"i told you my hearts leaning towards you

a little more than i knew

something was scaring you

is it too much?

or too fast?

or too forward?

should i step back and pretend

i don't feel this way?

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't love alone

i tried not to fall so far for you

now i can't get away from anything you say

you make me feel nervous and childlike

whenever i tell you i'm tired of playing games

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't stay here wondering if you love me

if you don't say it

at least speak

..its on the line i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes 

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone"
-katelyn tarver-

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

My World

I want to live in a world where everything is peach-colored and flawless and the trials we endure never hurt for too long. Once a lesson is learned, its learned - you'd never forget it. You'd never make the same mistake twice. Feelings wouldn't hurt because people are kind enough not to hurt others. Rumors don't spread because they never start and peers don't judge because of what you look like. Smiles would overpopulate the frowns - there would be no frowns. Shy girls could tell their boyfriends they love them even if it scares them to death because everyone would be confident in themselves...even the shy girls. Children would respect their parents and parents would respect their children's space. Religion wouldn't tear people apart. Differences would be accepted. Being unique would no longer be frowned upon. Embarrassing moments would be uplifting and goofy laughs would be everyones favorite. I want to live in a world where happiness is everyones motto and smiles are more important than money. Oh, what a world.

End This War

This shouldn't feel like a competition, this should feel light and magical. You're turning this to mud. Why can I not have this moment to myself? If it goes as I wish it to, you'll have it forever, too. Right now, though, its mine and I am doing my best to keep this beautiful thing for all eternity. If you're the one to ruin it or make it awkward or stand still my heart would shatter. Let me have my time, I beg you. I'm a big girl and I know how to do this by myself without your coaching and shoving. This is my moment, my thing and I'm trying so hard to be patient with the process but this is making it more difficult. Please see my point of view. Accept my position and my situation as I've tried so hard to do with you. You have yours. Let me catch mine. This is supposed to be my magical moment but it feels like a war.

Progress?

I feel like sometimes all I am is one big disappointment. It’s embarrassing and awkward to come by. It isn’t natural to approach people with this problem, either, so I bottle it up and let the liquids fill until I burst within the solitary comfort of my room. But it doesn’t feel comforting at all. It’s never been easy for me to open the front door and allow another pair of ears to hear the cries from my lips and the worries on my mind. I’m sheltered because I created myself this way. I carefully crafted myself to be dependent on myself but honestly, its never worked. I needed someone every step of the way. It was always only wishful thinking up until recently. Even now, I know there is that soul that wants me to be open up completely, but its still new, scary territory. I’m trying so hard to break down my walls stuck together with stubborn behavior and selfish shyness. A work in progress is never really done. But it progresses, or so I'm told.

hello's

words willfully escaping, floating through the air we breathed together as we lay cuddled underneath the ceiling. i'm happy here. you seem to be happy, too. to me this is something that should last for always. our beautiful tale is riveting, always leaving me more cheerful. i never enjoy seeing you go, but our goodbyes are delicious. and they make for the possibility of the daily hello's i look forward to so much throughout my entire day. there's a thought rolling around my mind, lately. life is about to get trickier for me. but i know that you aren't going anywhere - you're here and you aren't leaving me. you never will. you're here for me and when you utter those flawless words, i believe each one that flow through your teeth. its magical, you know. so beautiful, so real. so right.

Everything is Butterflies

Small and powerful

Capable of moving me in the deepest ways

I am happy, here.

You open the gates and let the flood in

And just like that I'm filled.

The butterflies escape

And captivate my entire self

Inner and outer, I'm totally yours.

Its that look

Its that touch

Its that smile

As simple as that I collapse into your chest

And make secret wishes.

Wishing to never lose what we've crated

To never let go of this fairy-tale reality.

While I dance inside your arms

With the butterflies raging inside

I smile and look into your magical blue eyes

Motivated and ready to take on the world

Because I know you're the one that won't leave me

Broken and alone, theres just no way, I've figured out.

I'm madly head over heels into this.

Both feet are in this and I'll never ever jump out.

Your laugh echoes in my ear

And your lips on my forehead take me higher.

The butterflies fly on

There is no controlling their over-the-top joy.

You make me smile like I've never before done.

Small and powerful gestures and moments

Just like the butterflies you release daily inside me

Are the reasons I can do this.

The reason I am.

My reason.

Everything with you, dear, is butterflies.

a little broken

help

i'm trying so hard

striving 

to be good at this

all i want is to feel the way everyone else seems to

or fakes

like i do

either way, i want it

the real version

i don't want to be insecure, anymore

i don't want to always second guess myself

i want to be confident

and comfortable

in myself

in me

who i am

not in who i could be

or who i wish i was

just me

but its so much easier said than done

there's always the voice in my head

the one telling me i'm not good enough

i'm not pretty enough, i'm not smart enough

i'm not worth the fight

i constantly find myself wishing the white voice within me spoke louder

the angelic voice that says i'm perfect

i'm worth it

i'm capable

i'm beautiful, smart and plenty good for anything

i'm me and thats a blessing

i know its all true

i always have

but its easy to forget when you're me, i guess

i wish doubt left me

i could abandon fear

i wish i was confident as i pretend to be

because deep down i'm scared and i'm easily shaken and shattered

i guess this is me asking for help

your help

with you, this is the closest i've come to really being happy

well, i've always been happy

but happy in that i'm comfortable in my own pale, imperfect skin

somehow you speak to my mind and fill me with compliments

in your eyes i'm good enough

i'm the girl i'm longing to see
the girl in the mirror i can never focus on

you're helping me find that its reality

i admire that in you

among everything else

i wish i was brave enough

putting my pride aside

to ask you to help me

to open up to you completely and tell you i need help

i need help

i'm struggling and i'm a little broken

i want your touch, your hug and your smile

your perfect, flawless words

your strength in me that takes me bright places

your heart

i know who i am and i love her

but sometimes i lose sight of why

i need help getting back on my feet and keeping my chin up

i need help

your help

That Girl

I wish I was that girl
The one who said everything right
The smooth talker
The girl every girl wishes they were more like
I try so hard to break outside of this shell
But I always find myself trapped
Every part of me wants to be new
But something, one small part, holds me back
Meanwhile you stay
When everyone else ran and told their rumors
You've remained constant
The one real thing I can count on
You're seeing the potential, too
And you're patiently waiting
Waiting with me
While I fight this strange inner battle
Please don't give up on me, dear
Its coming soon
I'll be that girl
The girl I was always meant to be
Not anyone else
Just a better version of myself
You'll love her
I'll be proud of her
She's on her way

Look Up

I look up to you and I don't think you understand just how much. The disappointment you have in me, the frustrations you hold in your eyes when you look at me kill me. Its a feeling I can't even describe. I wish you'd understand. I care. Probably too much. But that is me, its who I am and I've tried and failed too many times to change it to keep pursuing that goal. Just embrace it, please. I really wish you would. I know you try to help, I see that and I understand it, but when I feel too much emotion I get overwhelmed and act out. We both can work on how we handle these moments. I'm trying to become myself, become independent but still stay true to my little-girl roots. I've said it before, its difficult to explain. I wish you could experiment with my heart in your palms, then you'd know. But since that wish is impossible, just try and understand. I will do the same. More than anything, I wish you knew just how much I look up to you. How much I try..

Touches

You don't even know...

That thing you do, it sends my head spinning. My heart beats faster and I can't control my smile.

Its that one action.

That movement. That touch.

The feel.

Fingers on my finger.

I don't know how you do it.

I'll never understand how you know exactly what to say at exactly the right moment.

As cliche as it sounds, it couldn't be more true.

Its beautiful. This is beautiful, don't you agree?

Those bells are ringing in my ears. This time they're real.

That usual doubt that haunts me hasn't found me with you.

Its like even fear knows this is good.

And then my mind wanders back to that action.

You're some sort of perfect.

This is every kind of perfection.

I love this.

foggy

sleepless. again.

tired, foggy eyes, bored of this same room.

this is getting old.

others who fall into a slumber the moment their heads hit their pillows...

they're the lucky ones.

insomnia: a slow killer. 

a road to insanity.

one day i'll sleep. one day.

i keep telling myself that.

2am Rambles

Its bound to be an Owl Eyes night, tonight. Figures. I don't have a lot of nights different than that. Too much to do. Too much to think about. Too much to smile about. Too much to stress out about. Too much to handle normally, really. Its all too much but anything other than just that wouldn't be roped inside what I like to brag about.

Today was pretty. Productivity throughout the chilly day and the frozen night ended in kisses. 

Why, though, does tomorrow always have to loom over my sleepless head? Why is my mind incapable of embracing laying lazily on the couch and keeping my thoughts there? What if I don't want to worry about what tomorrow is going to put on the plate? What if I like being oblivious to the fact that I'm technically an adult? Wishful thinking, again... One of my talents.

At least if I slept I could live inside of a dreamland for a while before reality becomes a part of me, again, you know? They say the overly-creative minds don't need as much sleep. I wish I wasn't so overly-creative, in that case. 

Well, the night is getting closer to becoming the morning. Perhaps I should try again to sleep? Or at least relax a while.

Goodnight, goodnight. 

Weight on the Mind

How do you hold a broken glass together in your hand?
How can you convince yourself this mess is part of the plan?
How can I do this when my hearts screaming its wrong?
How do I find the meaning in this stuck-on-repeat song?

I want to have this and get that sparkle back.
This isn't something you find when you wander off the good track.
But hearts and minds collide and splash you with reality.
Keep reminding myself I've got to live this life for me.

Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.
Got to face the music, I would be the one to blame.
Deep down I think I love this but my skin is crying 'no.'
Makes me wonder why when I was young I wanted so badly to grow.

wishful lack-of-sleep

i swear a night will sneak upon me, one day
when my head hits the pillow before midnight i'll fall asleep. fast.
there won't be long, l o n g hours passing while i drive myself crazy.
my mind won't be over actively mulling over every aspect of life.
i'll just...sleep. dream. and sleep some more.
since i'm still owl eyes, i'll count my blessings instead of sheep.
number one on the list tonight..
at least the reason i can't sleep tonight is because of butterflies.