all these grins

i've needed to spill for some time, now. countless times i've sat myself down under my warm blanket with my laptop on my lap and that little cursor blinking at me -- waiting for the gush of words i collect in the shoebox in my heart. but so many times, as i sit there and stare at the boring screen, i lose the train of thought i may have had. nothing comes out. so i shut it down and pretend to sleep until i finally do. its a cycle that today should be broken. ..if i really do post this. backspace is usually easy to hold down, you know.

the more i've dwelt on my life and what i release, i have found that perhaps i'm better at writing and remembering the cruel things. the down days and the sour moments. i don't document the good things nearly enough. thats why writing has been so difficult. i don't know how to accurately describe all these amounts of happiness i possess. but man, if i were sad, i could write a thousand novels.

there just aren't words that can explain how i feel and i can't paint pretty enough imagery.

but you should know, with every fiber of my being - i am happy.

Grassy Haven

I'm stuck in the middle. Trapped between being fair - being liked and doing what I feel is right - or what I want to be right. So how do you choose which side to take? Which field of grass do you jump into while you're teetering on top of the fence you find yourself on, so often? Which side do you justify? Which field is the right one? How do you find out - and be completely sure of - which choice is the one you should grasp? I just need some stability under my feet. A grassy haven, no more wooden splinters. So I keep on praying - my answer is due in the warmer months, anyway.

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

the difference between fingers and lips

it was just a matter of time. a ticking time-bomb i was truly surprised hadn't burst yet. i don't know how it hasn't exploded, shaking the earth, yet. i'm a lot more patient than i ever thought i was, it seems. there should be more good shocks like that. but the truth has to be spoken, eventually. if only my lips were as brave as my fingers. i could write it all day but when you stand in front of me my tongue disallows my lips the pleasure of assisting my heart as it speaks to yours. i wish my eyes could relay the message to you, but i don't see it working, yet, hard as i've tried. and i have tried, i swear. those three words, separately are as easy as the alphabet to recite. they're simple and flow right from my smile. but when you tie them together and you know the promise and the meaning behind them when they're side-by-side, it changes the degree of difficulty like you couldn't imagine. but i have to get it out, somehow.. someday. because i have never felt it this way, before. in fact, before this, i've never felt it. not the real kind of emotion. this is real and this is lasting. i'm consumed by its rapture and laced, beaming joy it brings to my life. i'm overjoyed by you and what you've done to me. i hope you've seen the change, too. heres some news, i plan to sing for you. just to prove how much i mean what i hope i someday say. courage has to build, still. i'm shy, you know. quiet by nature. but its truer than true. i do.

.....
i love you.
so. much.
always & forever

quick list of thanks

a small bump in the road to open another golden door. i'm thankful for your voice. coming clean and making things right with that big, lovely heart. i'm thankful for your respect. my opinion of you has only grown because of your high standards and esteem. you know how to do things the right way. i'm thankful for your example. you know how to treat a girl, how to treat me - a very welcome change to my life. i'm thankful for your parents raising you right. you accept nothing but the best but help aid the moments not up to par. i'm thankful for your patience. it was only a bump in the road, it happens. it was handled maturely, swiftly and beautifully. i'm thankful for you.

vulnerable

i always thought i could do it alone. at least, i convinced myself i could.
too shy, embarrassed and afraid to say something wrong to ever ask for help.
caught up in this twisted circle i was learning i needed someone
placing my trust and my secrets with the wrong people every time.
each time they swore they'd never leave me
they'd never let me face trails alone
then the second a trial came along - they were gone.
i want to tell you how much you mean to me.
i want to tell you thats why i was afraid to open up
every time i had before, that as when the boy said goodbye.
its foolish to think that way, really. i know.
you've proven time and time again that you're above them.
you're different than them.
the most perfect kind of different.
today you gave me the push that turned to shove that i needed.
sure, the way it came about was probably less than traditional
not what either of us imagined, i'm sure of it
and no one wants to find themselves locked in an argument
but nonetheless it was the key to my padlock.
you found it - not even i knew it was there
and you opened me up.
you said you could read me like an open book, anyway.
i'm so glad you didn't drive home when you first wanted to.
tonight i needed you more than ever.
imagine what the night could have been if you did..
as the night progressed, my feelings came out more and more
the most meaningful remembrance of this will be you promising
promises i know you won't break like the rest of them did.
i have trust issues. but not with you, now, dear.
you said we will get through this. we will make it. we will be okay.
and somehow i knew you meant it.
you care for me and you aren't going to let me fall down, again.
never have i been so vulnerable in front of someone.
i've never let my guard down like that - i keep it to myself
but you're the most special person in my life and i mean it
and you deserve to know the real me.
along with this come promises. just be patient with me.
i promise i'll open, more.
but its hard to break a painfully-shy shell, you know?
just know i'm trying and please, please don't give up on me.
i'm going to change and i'm going to improve
this you can count on.
i'm sorry i haven't exposed myself so brightly, yet.
but i will.
and if you don't believe it now, i will prove it to you.
have faith in me. i'm awkward.
you saved me. you grabbed me before i splatted at rock bottom.
you forced eye contact and promised me the light at the end of the tunnel.
i believe you with all that i am.
i love you for everything you've done
for grabbing my face and watching my emotion
for reading me like a book
for making me talk
for not allowing me to shy away
for promising its okay not to be perfect
i'll still be pretty.
God gave me you for these ups and downs
and i don't plan on letting you go, if you wouldn't mind.
i know i can't do it alone. i'm going to need help.
and i've got you.