all these grins

i've needed to spill for some time, now. countless times i've sat myself down under my warm blanket with my laptop on my lap and that little cursor blinking at me -- waiting for the gush of words i collect in the shoebox in my heart. but so many times, as i sit there and stare at the boring screen, i lose the train of thought i may have had. nothing comes out. so i shut it down and pretend to sleep until i finally do. its a cycle that today should be broken. ..if i really do post this. backspace is usually easy to hold down, you know.

the more i've dwelt on my life and what i release, i have found that perhaps i'm better at writing and remembering the cruel things. the down days and the sour moments. i don't document the good things nearly enough. thats why writing has been so difficult. i don't know how to accurately describe all these amounts of happiness i possess. but man, if i were sad, i could write a thousand novels.

there just aren't words that can explain how i feel and i can't paint pretty enough imagery.

but you should know, with every fiber of my being - i am happy.

sunbeams

come ride with me

inside golden loops

and marigold splashes

warm and bright

our faith pushing past the nay-sayers

imagine it

the first fingers to touch the sun

and be filled with impeccable energy

the ride

the story of a lifetime

chasing sunbeams until dreams come true

a slow, long blink

theres a calm and no storm in sight
a tea kettle on the stove
with no steam or loud noises
just a calm
floating in the ocean
cuddled under a plethora of blankets
melting into a good book
there is a peaceful silence
bird chirps and sweet piano music
everything lovely
filling the air
this very atmosphere
has enchanted my whole soul
in these footsteps
i am rested

Newtown

things will infect you. people will show they have stronger cruel sides - making you doubt the natural goodness everyone supposedly possesses. that isn't true in all the cases, we all know by now. some people (& thank goodness only some) are awful. textbook definitions of evil. their sins, unfathomable. how can someone be so terrible? take lives of little ones, mothers, friends, neighbors, sons and daughters? then coward away in his own blood. its sickening. i wonder what he hoped to accomplish by doing such a grievous act. did he ever once stop? or stutter his trigger finger, taking a brief moment to think of what he was doing? think on the lives he was ending and the families he was about to rip hearts out of? did he think of the mothers? the unwrapped christmas gifts? the beds a family should hope to expect their child inside each night? how is it that despite things people should just know, he acted. its disgusting. sickening. absolutely terrible.
if there is any silver lining to such a sorrow - at least they are in a better place. the children back with their Heavenly Father. safe out of any more of harms way. protected from worldly heartbreak. happy in such a brilliant and bright place.

my heart and prayers and love go to the families, friends and others effected by such a tragic event.
xoxo

Singing

I think I want to sing to you. I want to sing then cuddle in your arms as I remind you how wonderful you are. I'll never let you forget how I feel about you. I'm taking your challenge, you know. Just watch and see - I am stepping out of my comfort zone. Its about to get real deep and personal in our lives. But I imagine that is very good for almost husbands and wives. Can you believe its only ten more days? I will do this, soon. Prove my words aren't just talk. I'll be the one always there for you. Always there to be your shoulder to cry on and your heart to confide in. I'm yours, after all. I so love you.

"Off"

Right now I just need to hurt - but I can't tell you why, exactly.
All I know is my heart is heavy right now and I want to cry then have you grab me and let me bury myself in your chest while you nurse me back to health.
Life has been absolutely brilliant, lately. So I guess that would make sense that I'd fall, finally.
But my wishful thinking allowed me to think that everything was going to stay so breezy and flawless.
Or at least a level I could handle.
I can't handle the level I'm at now.
Somehow I'll be saved.
Things will fall into place as usual. Right now, I'm just caught up in an ache in my heart I can't explain.
Nothing makes sense and I can't keep track of my thoughts.
I wish you could feel my insides and understand what I mean when I say I don't know why I'm "off".
Maybe then you'd get an idea of why I'm fragile and why I am so...different.
Am I really as different as I feel?
Hormones are unable to explain, it seems.
And here I am..I was really wishing writing out whatever this ache is would help.
But its still there just as strong.
Its time to sleep I guess. Then I can forget about this and let tomorrow take over.
Now if only sleeping were as easy as it is to speak about.
Goodnight, tonight.
Pray tomorrow sheds more light.

become

my lips are still numb from this. quite honestly, it still feels like a dream most the time. am i really this lucky? this blessed? i am! today made me believe it even more than i already did. i'm in a state i've never been in before. the spirit has never been so strong. i know. i know. i know what i'm doing is right. i know the way i've chosen to live my life, mistakes and all, is the path laid out for me. i know that i have a bright future and that i have the potential to be someone apparently very incredible. its been brought to my attention that i will become someone far better than who i am now if i continue to press on in excellence. now that i think of it, i should try even harder, now. yes its overwhelming. its hard to believe i can be someone so grand - but if He knows i can do it - i'll believe it, too. its time to buckle up and become. really though..how did i get so lucky? me? little imperfect, boring me. wow. i'm still numb. my heart is still racing and i'm still caught up in the permanent smile and butterfly filled body. i know things couldn't be any more beautiful. how blessed am i?

writing has become difficult, lately. i don't know why - there just aren't words to accurately explain every detail of every emotion i'm experiencing. i don't know if i want to reveal those shadows, anyway. perhaps this is a blessing. who knows. this is writers block, i'll bet. and here i am..writing, still.

at least i am sure of some things. i know that when his arms are wrapped around me - i am home. the happiest i've ever been. i know that his eyes are a sanctuary, my place of refuge and comfort. i know that my family will always be there to back me up and hold me. i know that life is changing in a few months, but its part of a lovely, eternal plan. i know things will be different and i'll be worried and stressed out - but i have the support of phenomenal people who will help me in this transition. i know that i am so, so in love and its a mutual feeling. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and the luckiest girl on earth.

thats more than enough.

so

i can't cry tonight
the glue on my eyes will run
regardless
i wish i could've poured it out for you
cups of salty tea falling down
don't ask why, please
it just feels right
i am settling in on cloud nine
and every emotion is nearby
crowding me with their strength
i'm so happy
of course its easy
to become overwhelmed
or so worried something will break
but i've found something concrete
something to believe in
wholeheartedly
i believe in us with all i can believe in
the big picture is what i try to focus on
the forever and ever part
the white moment that sparkles
starting a new chapter
binding two into one
tying a knot - the strongest kind
beginning a family
loving, overall
why wouldn't i be happy?

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

promise

don't look over your shoulder - thats only the past calling you back
it brought you here, it raised you, right
but tonight i'm praying you'll face forward
its these cryptic words i catch myself tangled in
effortlessly
don't hold the hand of the tempting one, there
i promise mine won't release the grasp
some things aren't destined to be broken
intertwined, forever
perfectly how life was intended to be lived
forget about what stops you
focus on what drives you to make Him proud
lose yourself in what you want
not what you think you need
sometimes your wants need satisfaction
but never lose sight of the bigger picture
remember those who'll never deceive you
never ask you to be anyone you're not
hold tight to this rope
anchor yourself to mine
we can float, together
just promise me you'll always stand proud
remembering how wonderful you are
to me
and to everyone you meet
something special beyond the dictionaries vocabulary
don't turn your eyes behind you
thats only what you know
its the unknown that really holds an adventure, anyway
jump in
face this lifetime with your chest held high
your eyes upward
and your smile brightly glowing 'cross your face

Pieces Eventually Make a Whole

Every time you go home
A piece of me you take.
But I know I'll be safe there, soon.
After all, all these pieces
Will someday make a whole
Bringing me there, next to you
Forever, if only.
Every day is one day closer
To the biggest day, you know?
I'll be patient
You'll be strong
And we won't give up
On this
Or each other.
You don't believe in Hollywood
So we'll make something better
While we build up this painting
Anticipating each tomorrow.
When you steal another piece of me..

Spider Web Thoughts

I make myself laugh at how bipolar my insides are

Its like, sometimes..

I want everything I'm working against

There, of course, are the few certainties

Things I'll never, ever give up

But then there are the wandering ones

Spider web thoughts

Crawling through my veins

Up into my brain

Cycled to my heart

Lets face it, half the time I don't know what I want

I think I'm caught up in my age

Feeling old and mature

But in reality

I'm sure I'm still young and naive

I still need the help 

I can't decide if I like asking for

However

Wishing I was given real agency is still there

Sitting in the front of my mind

Someday it'll be noticed

Maybe even given

For now, I am in this odd cycle

The old and new spiders

Infecting me with all their possibilities

Good and bad

Happy and sad

You know the whole ordeal

The whole darned ordeal

But also, its amazing

If it wasn't already clear, allow me to tell you, now

I'm torn in what I am usually thinking

The pros and the cons always get me

Different sides seem fine

Each could be pleasing

I'll admit it..

I know the real answer

I'm just caught in the moment, now

Surely, I'm staying here

Still small and under a ruling thumb

But its where I've chosen to place myself

Actions of a lifetime led me here

Time to grasp it

Like I usually do

It was only a weird morning

Storm

Ah, I need to write. Maybe that will calm the tornado inside of my stomach before the hurricane of tears, that has been sitting right behind my eyes for a few days, now, overwhelms me. What makes this feeling worse is that I don't even know why I feel so small next to my emotion. What is wrong with me? I could easily suck it up to being female. Hormones, you know? But what if I feel like its something more than that? Its been a whisper in my mind a few days, but today it hit me like a rock. Something inside of me isn't settled like it should be. I can't place my finger on what it is. Well, I know I'm worried about something. That, I know. Why am I worried, though? I have a tremendous family, a loving boyfriend who means the world to me. I have good friends, again. I have shelter, safety and security. So what is it? Fine, I'll call it hormones.

small

it is small and not so bad, after all. the aches and pains are rather minuscule compared to what others are trying to battle. so, really, i'm lucky. the important thing is to keep moving. keep moving forward because standing still gets you nowhere, of course. all you need is a trustworthy soul by your side and the faith to continue. i've got it all in my pocket and the path is set for the walk. here we go. count your blessings, because in reality, it is small.

everything happens when it should, in its own, RIGHT time

thick walls closing in on every side - her body is shaking and her mind is overwhelmed in deep, intense thought. its almost classified as a bearable, border-line enjoyable pain. sorrow, perhaps? regardless, the feeling is real and patience is becoming something like the Devil. a difficult virtue to embrace, a thought she repeats all too often for sanity. life is a ride, meant to be enjoyed, but its less than flawless when her heart becomes so eager it nearly bursts each night as she sleeps in a blur of insomnia and dreams. wishes. dreams, however, do become reality, from time to time. she smiles to herself, believing this is a reality coming to pass. the warm air and sparkling stars don't even to justice to his beautiful face as she thinks back on his touch and his kiss. its overwhelming, certainly. but every kind of perfect that any blooming blossom should want to need..and just need. its perfect, really. the wait, and all.

Still Little

I guess we never really do grow up
After all, each day we're one day older and yesterday we were just young and stupid
Emotions still overcome us
Happy endings and sad tales make us cry
Mommy and daddy always save the day
And there will always be the feeling of being small and incapable
And strong and unstoppable
Someone's always bigger and better
There will always be the person who holds your hand and says you can do anything
You'll never really want to be alone
The world will always be big and your dreams even bigger even when they change
Home is where you'll always long to be, under a roof with the people who love you most
I guess we never really do grow up

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

on the line

"i told you my hearts leaning towards you

a little more than i knew

something was scaring you

is it too much?

or too fast?

or too forward?

should i step back and pretend

i don't feel this way?

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't love alone

i tried not to fall so far for you

now i can't get away from anything you say

you make me feel nervous and childlike

whenever i tell you i'm tired of playing games

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't stay here wondering if you love me

if you don't say it

at least speak

..its on the line i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes 

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone"
-katelyn tarver-

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best