all these grins

i've needed to spill for some time, now. countless times i've sat myself down under my warm blanket with my laptop on my lap and that little cursor blinking at me -- waiting for the gush of words i collect in the shoebox in my heart. but so many times, as i sit there and stare at the boring screen, i lose the train of thought i may have had. nothing comes out. so i shut it down and pretend to sleep until i finally do. its a cycle that today should be broken. ..if i really do post this. backspace is usually easy to hold down, you know.

the more i've dwelt on my life and what i release, i have found that perhaps i'm better at writing and remembering the cruel things. the down days and the sour moments. i don't document the good things nearly enough. thats why writing has been so difficult. i don't know how to accurately describe all these amounts of happiness i possess. but man, if i were sad, i could write a thousand novels.

there just aren't words that can explain how i feel and i can't paint pretty enough imagery.

but you should know, with every fiber of my being - i am happy.

november

hello, its been a while. and since the last time i've spilled, my whole world has changed. my dreams i've wished for and written so often about are coming true.
its november, i tell you.
november was beautiful last year because it introduced me to the love of my life. it scattered flowers on my path and introduced me to true, true lasting love.
this november will be even better - i'm putting a label on our love. we'll call it: forever. time and all eternity.
i am marrying my best friend. 
it is so overwhelmingly beautiful. to say i'm happy, thrilled or ecstatic doesn't do this emotion justice. i am in the perfect place, i just have to wait two more lovely months for the most raw, perfect perfection. it feels long -- but i'm spending the days leading up to that white day with him. so of course i'll be alright. you don't even understand how lucky i am to have him.
i've always been living the dream..and i'm now in the real good part. the icing on the cake. the cherry on top.
oh, november.

rambling comes easy when excited

there aren't words
but i'll give it a try

this is extraordinary
finally
the thing every little girl dreams about
from the time she can form a thought
is mine
the time has come
for certain, its in my hands
its real
everything is as beautiful as beauty comes
and its all mine for the taking
only small months and its set in stone
wow..

i think i've tried to act mature about this
like i'm used to this feeling
this intense, overwhelming sensation of excitement
but, come on
this is once in a lifetime
so i'm dropping that act
i'll let it show, now
no regrets as to how my heart is bursting
with every emotion
last night as i tried to sleep
i felt it stronger than ever
just how real this is
and just how anxious and eager i am

i'm ready, love
to take this on
hand in hand
my mind is in place
to prepare and get things done
all i need is you

still
there just aren't words
i'm too excited for such a limited vocabulary
i'm sure i'll always keep trying..

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

& the moon was right, again

crystalized perfection

dancing, sparkled sunshine

i'm in love with this grace

everything about my peach colored life

is exactly as it should be

finally

the moons gentle smile

reminds me that this is the plan

i was sure i couldn't be good enough for it, once

oh

last summer

as i cuddled up to the grass

and stared at the moons pretty stars

they seemed to tell me all these promises

revelations and dreams come true

i doubted it all

my mind was stuck in negativity

no way could i achieve such a beauty

if only, if only

the moon was right

he is here and he is real

careful, sweet and laced with perfectness

somehow i found the cave

smothered in that crystalized perfect touch

and it loved me back

cliche

Eye contact
Its never felt the way it does when I'm lost in your blue eyes.
There's something about the daydream I fall into
Its perfect. Home-like. Perfect.
I love what I have become. I love what we've become.
Everything I once thought I'd never get...is mine. Somehow.
Luck like this is just once in a lifetime.
I've finally caught it in my little fingers and I'm not letting go.
I keep trying
To figure out the perfect words to write to perfectly say this.
How I feel because of you in my world.
But nothing ever does this fairytale justice, you see.
This is only another attempt I may not even publish.
You just fill my brain with words I need to get out.
My stomach with butterflies I never want to set free.
My heart with the highest of hopes I actually believe in.
Everything is perfect, these days. Thanks to you.
I'll see you in the morning.

wishful lack-of-sleep

i swear a night will sneak upon me, one day
when my head hits the pillow before midnight i'll fall asleep. fast.
there won't be long, l o n g hours passing while i drive myself crazy.
my mind won't be over actively mulling over every aspect of life.
i'll just...sleep. dream. and sleep some more.
since i'm still owl eyes, i'll count my blessings instead of sheep.
number one on the list tonight..
at least the reason i can't sleep tonight is because of butterflies. 

Firefly Thoughts

With everything on my mind, I can't help from drifting back to one thought.
Fireflies.
Locked inside a small closet, laying on my back with a jar of fireflies placed beside me.
I'm bound to become a new kind of dreamer in there.
Just me and those small lights. Beautiful lights.
When my eyes start to shut I'd unscrew the lid and watch the little insects take flight.
Soaring around the small space, their light beaming, putting a simple smile on my pale face.
The epitome of awe.
Its some sort of magic.
If I became so lucky to share this thought-turned-reality with someone...
I'd take their hand and sigh.
I'm sure its that kind of beauty.
We'd giggle, softly about how silly it'd originally seem
But our hearts would be full because of the serenity the moment offers.
Here I go, again.
Losing myself in firefly thoughts.