all these grins

i've needed to spill for some time, now. countless times i've sat myself down under my warm blanket with my laptop on my lap and that little cursor blinking at me -- waiting for the gush of words i collect in the shoebox in my heart. but so many times, as i sit there and stare at the boring screen, i lose the train of thought i may have had. nothing comes out. so i shut it down and pretend to sleep until i finally do. its a cycle that today should be broken. ..if i really do post this. backspace is usually easy to hold down, you know.

the more i've dwelt on my life and what i release, i have found that perhaps i'm better at writing and remembering the cruel things. the down days and the sour moments. i don't document the good things nearly enough. thats why writing has been so difficult. i don't know how to accurately describe all these amounts of happiness i possess. but man, if i were sad, i could write a thousand novels.

there just aren't words that can explain how i feel and i can't paint pretty enough imagery.

but you should know, with every fiber of my being - i am happy.

a slow, long blink

theres a calm and no storm in sight
a tea kettle on the stove
with no steam or loud noises
just a calm
floating in the ocean
cuddled under a plethora of blankets
melting into a good book
there is a peaceful silence
bird chirps and sweet piano music
everything lovely
filling the air
this very atmosphere
has enchanted my whole soul
in these footsteps
i am rested

paper buildings

its paper buildings just waiting to take flight. still shocked they were granted the chance. this once in a lifetime opportunity to rise and make the most of the pale-blue sky. the clouds dancing with them in friendship - they've long since proven their the only necessities for a newly founded tower. protection and support they quietly offer. its come to the conclusion that good things do happen. brightness has covered the land around and somehow the pieces picked themselves up. proof that sometimes time is truly all you do need. and so the windows open and the air happily bounces around its bricks. all it needs is the clouds -- and life is perfection in a universe.

november

hello, its been a while. and since the last time i've spilled, my whole world has changed. my dreams i've wished for and written so often about are coming true.
its november, i tell you.
november was beautiful last year because it introduced me to the love of my life. it scattered flowers on my path and introduced me to true, true lasting love.
this november will be even better - i'm putting a label on our love. we'll call it: forever. time and all eternity.
i am marrying my best friend. 
it is so overwhelmingly beautiful. to say i'm happy, thrilled or ecstatic doesn't do this emotion justice. i am in the perfect place, i just have to wait two more lovely months for the most raw, perfect perfection. it feels long -- but i'm spending the days leading up to that white day with him. so of course i'll be alright. you don't even understand how lucky i am to have him.
i've always been living the dream..and i'm now in the real good part. the icing on the cake. the cherry on top.
oh, november.

rambling comes easy when excited

there aren't words
but i'll give it a try

this is extraordinary
finally
the thing every little girl dreams about
from the time she can form a thought
is mine
the time has come
for certain, its in my hands
its real
everything is as beautiful as beauty comes
and its all mine for the taking
only small months and its set in stone
wow..

i think i've tried to act mature about this
like i'm used to this feeling
this intense, overwhelming sensation of excitement
but, come on
this is once in a lifetime
so i'm dropping that act
i'll let it show, now
no regrets as to how my heart is bursting
with every emotion
last night as i tried to sleep
i felt it stronger than ever
just how real this is
and just how anxious and eager i am

i'm ready, love
to take this on
hand in hand
my mind is in place
to prepare and get things done
all i need is you

still
there just aren't words
i'm too excited for such a limited vocabulary
i'm sure i'll always keep trying..

making plans

this talk..

those words

get me so excited

i can't believe it

these grown up things are happening

to me

we are talking long term

making plans

with eternities on our tongues

smiling and keeping eye contact

things are on their way to changing our lives

planning a future

one side by side

hand in hand

together

it gives me butterflies

because its real

it isn't a tale in my head

or a book to be read

its reality

its me and you

and we're talking about it

no more beating around that bush

we're planning on it

and you call it soon

this year, even

dreams are coming true this year

two lives will change

together

how neat is that?

overwhelmingly satisfied

goodness

if my life had a title, i'd entitle it; overwhelmed

but not in the way where i feel hopeless and despair-trapped

overwhelmed in a good way

a perfect way

overwhelmed at the blessings that are poured upon me, daily

overwhelmed by the spectacular people in my life

overwhelmed by the love i've fallen into 

overwhelmed that i've found my real, amazing best, best friend

overwhelmed that i'm so certain of some things

overwhelmed by visions of the next few months and what treasures they hold

just..overwhelmed

Rhymes

You are the wind thats underneath me

You are the fire that burns inside me

You are the reason that I smile

The reason I'd go the extra mile

Without you here, I'm nothing

You give my soul reason to sing

I'm in the debt of your sweet heart

You and I can't ever be apart

I am in this - forever with you

Oh my darling, I love you 

admiration, adoration and obsession

i could, forever

if i could remain by your side

sitting in silence

or engulfed in chaotic noise

i'd be happy

as long as you're the hand next to me

to hold onto

i'd rather argue forever with you

than go a single second

without knowing your sweet soul

i know now

not only do i want you

but

you've become a need to my survival

i love you

i guess it is as simple as that

sometimes 'love' seems to be the only word

i can use

since words usually fail me, though

i guess i'll spend the rest of my life

proving my admiration, adoration and obsession

through action

i could, forever

and ever

let me?

Still Here

Another night of built up hopes brought to life, effortlessly - and I'm still feeling all of you here with me, around me, on me, safely, as I allow night time to swallow me into a dreamland. I hope I find you there, because to be honest, I miss you the moment you begin walking away. It is too entirely sweet. Perfect as the sun setting over the mountains. My fingers twitch around as if they are lost without being in between yours. Thank heavens for tomorrows. I so hope you're sleeping well.

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

6

a half a year of pretty

half a year of bliss

flawless blessings

Good morning, May. I'll admit, I've been anxious for you. There is something about you that has had me captivated for weeks, now. Perhaps its the happiest place on earth that awaits me at the end of your days, or maybe its the simple fact that it will be another thirty-one days spent with the most beautiful man earth has to offer that I'm blessed enough to call mine. Spring is good, too, and thats where your sweet-scented days fall. I'm eagerly awaiting the warm nights and big, friendly stars you'll graciously offer me, as well. Oh, you lovely month, I think I'd even go as far to say I've missed you. May, you know we've had a few bad rounds in the past years, but you're on my side this year, aren't you? I know you are. You're lovely and I'm so happy to welcome you back. Good morning, dear May, may the smiles await.

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

happy

i have a happy heart. everything is so perfect and i have forever-bells ringing, sweetly in my ears. how i got so lucky, i will never know, but i do know that what i've created beside you, with your help, is a flawless pastel canvas with perfect strokes and the grandest of intentions that i will never release from my grasp. i hope this is a mutual feeling - as mutual as i wish it to be. i have a happy heart. i have a cheery smile. i have a joyous soul. i have you.

when someone asks me what body part i like most on a guy (you) i reply eyes and smiles.

its that sweet, gentle, genuine smile. it gets me every time. you're beautiful. its the easiest thing to picture in my mind - all the time. when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when everything is perfect, when nothing is right. you are the image that keeps me sane and keeps me on the right track. i owe you more than i could ever give you but that doesn't mean i won't try to give you my all. i love you when you are you in the most raw way. your touch, those magical kisses, the way you wrap your strong arms around my body giving me the sensation of being in my own "home" we've built, here. i'm safe inside of you. your blue eyes do something powerful to the inside of me i could never explain. its just...a fairy tale. i am so captivated by your image and the charisma you poses inside and out. when you kiss my lips and i open my eyes and my gaze falls upon that smile, those eyes. i melt. you really do melt me. i'm in love with each moment and i've learned to embrace each moment of it. or i'm still learning to never let it go. i swear i'll never let you go. i'm in too deep, its too perfect. i love this, us, too much. and when i'm not with you, where i find myself now, i'll close my eyes and let my imagination fall upon your sweet, sweet smile on your beautiful face.

Inn

slices of the flawless heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

those days were even better than i could have ever anticipated

side-by-side for days

next to the wonderful person i have

adventures i've never ventured to

until now

until then

picture perfect memories made

bringing me closer to everything i've ever wanted

needed, even

i never knew life could get this good

he took me on this journey and exceeded all my expectations

its beautiful and special

keeping me in the happiest place

rocks, dirt and muddy shoes

slices of heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

Because of You

I've never found myself happier

Last night you made me feel the best I've ever felt

The confidence I've been filled with since those moments

Is astounding and has left a permanent smile on my face

You know what I've struggled with for years

And those words and actions last night

Have made those worries disappear

I'm happy with me and with who I am

And what I look like

You're magical

You're the one

You're my hero

Thanks to you

There is finally a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel

You're the sunshine I couldn't find on my own

"One hell of a support group"
We both know how easy it is for me to fall back into it
But even if I do
I know I've got you to save me

Because of you, I can

hopelessly romantically captivated

a hopeless romantic always caught up, lost in a daydream of a fairy tale

nothing lasting even stayed

but hope has a way of remaining in her eager heart

a well worth it wait finally knocked on her door

a handsome prince

with a sparkling smile and captivating blue eyes

the daydream is real, these days

hello's

words willfully escaping, floating through the air we breathed together as we lay cuddled underneath the ceiling. i'm happy here. you seem to be happy, too. to me this is something that should last for always. our beautiful tale is riveting, always leaving me more cheerful. i never enjoy seeing you go, but our goodbyes are delicious. and they make for the possibility of the daily hello's i look forward to so much throughout my entire day. there's a thought rolling around my mind, lately. life is about to get trickier for me. but i know that you aren't going anywhere - you're here and you aren't leaving me. you never will. you're here for me and when you utter those flawless words, i believe each one that flow through your teeth. its magical, you know. so beautiful, so real. so right.