Grassy Haven

I'm stuck in the middle. Trapped between being fair - being liked and doing what I feel is right - or what I want to be right. So how do you choose which side to take? Which field of grass do you jump into while you're teetering on top of the fence you find yourself on, so often? Which side do you justify? Which field is the right one? How do you find out - and be completely sure of - which choice is the one you should grasp? I just need some stability under my feet. A grassy haven, no more wooden splinters. So I keep on praying - my answer is due in the warmer months, anyway.

rambling comes easy when excited

there aren't words
but i'll give it a try

this is extraordinary
finally
the thing every little girl dreams about
from the time she can form a thought
is mine
the time has come
for certain, its in my hands
its real
everything is as beautiful as beauty comes
and its all mine for the taking
only small months and its set in stone
wow..

i think i've tried to act mature about this
like i'm used to this feeling
this intense, overwhelming sensation of excitement
but, come on
this is once in a lifetime
so i'm dropping that act
i'll let it show, now
no regrets as to how my heart is bursting
with every emotion
last night as i tried to sleep
i felt it stronger than ever
just how real this is
and just how anxious and eager i am

i'm ready, love
to take this on
hand in hand
my mind is in place
to prepare and get things done
all i need is you

still
there just aren't words
i'm too excited for such a limited vocabulary
i'm sure i'll always keep trying..

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

Still Here

Another night of built up hopes brought to life, effortlessly - and I'm still feeling all of you here with me, around me, on me, safely, as I allow night time to swallow me into a dreamland. I hope I find you there, because to be honest, I miss you the moment you begin walking away. It is too entirely sweet. Perfect as the sun setting over the mountains. My fingers twitch around as if they are lost without being in between yours. Thank heavens for tomorrows. I so hope you're sleeping well.

Soldier

A brave, humble soldier with a battle wound or two but no less perfect. Valiant and vigilant he fights not only for himself but for those around him, his loved ones back home. Bravery and faith and the hope of a new, more perfect tomorrow keep his head held high. The belief that all scars one day will heal keeping him hopeful. He was raised well and knows right from wrong and that tough times don't last. He's one of the few who truly qualify as an ultimate example. Respected by many and friendly to all, he never puts himself first. The most wonderful soldier fighting on despite his wounds, desperations and his own inner-battles. The most noble, tremendous soul always ongoing no matter what.

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

Forever a Million

I don't know how you do it, but you do it well. Your thick fingertips have magic inside their veins. Each time you flawlessly take me inside that picture perfect canvas of yours I can't help my thoughts from becoming long-term, if you know what I mean. Plain and simply, I've never been happier than the moments I've been with you. Four and a half months of the most perfect kind of beautiful. People don't get much luckier than this. Its lovely. You're lovely. My ship has surrendered to your genuine charm and your sincere character. I'm yours for as long as you keep me and you better know I pray for this timeline to show no end. Somehow my insecurities don't exist, anymore, when you hold me close. You take me for me, the exact way I am, not even minutely implying your wish for me to change anything about myself. I'm forever in your favor. You've done the impossible, dear. Forever a million thank you a billion. Your kisses fill my mind with happiness, the genuine, sparkly as a diamond, kind. Your hands know exactly where to set to make the butterflies take control of my body. You stay in control, too. A trait I've long awaited in my "someone." You have standards, good ones. You have goals, you keep them. You make promises, and they are kept. I'm completely safe with you, I'll never deny it. You'll never let me down. This is where I was always supposed to be, but you found me when I needed you most. November started the fairy-tale I only thought existed in those worlds you read about in paper-back words. But you've proven me wrong. I've never been so pleased to have faulty thoughts. These miracles happen in real life, too. Finally, they're happening to me. You are beautiful and you've made me become and see my beauty. I hope I can return the favor and never let you forget your worth, your charm, the handsome face and soul, you are. I hope its an always sort of deal. You do it so well.

Next Time Isn't Coming Soon Enough

You took my breath away, again. But this time was different. This time I felt deep emotions stir that I didn't know existed. This time everything I wished for came into the lime-light and I could see them actually occurring, one day. It may have been a long time waiting, and I kept you waiting long enough, but as we agreed - so worth it. You've got me anxiously awaiting next time. Yum. I wonder if you could read my thoughts as easily as they came to my mind. Its a flawless sort of beautiful. I love everything about it and from this point on, its only getting better. Wow. You took my breath away. Tonight was great.

Really Reality

The swing of things are swinging back into place, bulkily landing at my feet reminding me how real reality is. There is the other reminder. That look in your eyes and the spark in your fingertips reinforces the knowledge you've given me that reality doesn't have to be faced alone, really. Maybe for some, and maybe I used to have that, but not anymore. You've changed the gravel path I once walked on to a flower-filled, vanilla scented stroll through the park in the middle of summer. This is the reality I'm becoming used to, praying daily it never will ever, ever end.