Grassy Haven

I'm stuck in the middle. Trapped between being fair - being liked and doing what I feel is right - or what I want to be right. So how do you choose which side to take? Which field of grass do you jump into while you're teetering on top of the fence you find yourself on, so often? Which side do you justify? Which field is the right one? How do you find out - and be completely sure of - which choice is the one you should grasp? I just need some stability under my feet. A grassy haven, no more wooden splinters. So I keep on praying - my answer is due in the warmer months, anyway.

promise

don't look over your shoulder - thats only the past calling you back
it brought you here, it raised you, right
but tonight i'm praying you'll face forward
its these cryptic words i catch myself tangled in
effortlessly
don't hold the hand of the tempting one, there
i promise mine won't release the grasp
some things aren't destined to be broken
intertwined, forever
perfectly how life was intended to be lived
forget about what stops you
focus on what drives you to make Him proud
lose yourself in what you want
not what you think you need
sometimes your wants need satisfaction
but never lose sight of the bigger picture
remember those who'll never deceive you
never ask you to be anyone you're not
hold tight to this rope
anchor yourself to mine
we can float, together
just promise me you'll always stand proud
remembering how wonderful you are
to me
and to everyone you meet
something special beyond the dictionaries vocabulary
don't turn your eyes behind you
thats only what you know
its the unknown that really holds an adventure, anyway
jump in
face this lifetime with your chest held high
your eyes upward
and your smile brightly glowing 'cross your face

Pieces Eventually Make a Whole

Every time you go home
A piece of me you take.
But I know I'll be safe there, soon.
After all, all these pieces
Will someday make a whole
Bringing me there, next to you
Forever, if only.
Every day is one day closer
To the biggest day, you know?
I'll be patient
You'll be strong
And we won't give up
On this
Or each other.
You don't believe in Hollywood
So we'll make something better
While we build up this painting
Anticipating each tomorrow.
When you steal another piece of me..

A Little Girls Dream

I'm at that age. The age finally came. Here I am eagerly standing, nervously at the door to my future. The one I've been daydreaming of since I was young enough to craft a pretty fairy-tale. Can that time really be so close? Is this the year? Is it 2012 that will change so much? (for the best, of course) My heart is beating quickly and I think my veins are growing, somehow. I've never looked forward to something with so much passion. I've never wanted something so, so desperately. A dream come true that has only just begun and will undoubtably raise me to the highest level of cloud nine. Because the age has come and I'm old enough to know its real. The future is coming, I can taste it and graze it as it waits in front of me. It's happening, now.

Prince Charming

i saw it again, last night

as i lay in bed - it was there

its a half a second of a moment i see in the future

our future

you're standing, smiling looking to your right

looking as handsome as i've ever seen you

holding your lapel with your right hand

taking my breathe away

your hair is placed perfectly

making you look like a real life Prince Charming

you blink

and my heart flutters

i can only imagine how my soul would fly

when you look at me in that second

i'm soaring just thinking of it

the background behind you fills me up

i'm ecstatic and know this lasts forever

its beautiful

its that brief moment i see almost daily..

and i can't get enough of it

until i see it in real life

Missing You

Oh my gosh, I miss you.

I really thought these few days without you wouldn't be so empty, but they are.

I'm naked without you, my other half is gone

The handsome man who is always by my side..isn't, tonight.

All I can let myself dwell on, to save myself from loneliness

Is the monumental amounts of fun you must be having with your brothers in one of your favorite locations.

Also, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder

And missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you that you love someone

I love you so much.

But, wow..I miss you, tonight.

Its an awkward feeling spending a Saturday night alone.

Its bizarre not having your arms wrapped round me while I lay on your chest

Talking, laughing and falling asleep..

I can't wait to see you, tomorrow.

Come home, safely, okay?

I love you, darling.

not a want, but a need

I need you.

Because I can't imagine a day without you, let alone a lifetime. 

So, please, stay with me, stay mine, forever and ever.

Always

I guess I've always needed someone to knock some sense into me, gently or bluntly, as long as they always hold my hand in the end. I've needed a savior to point out what I'm too blind to see, then hug me tight when I've seen my foolish ways. I've always longed for you, a sweet hearted soul to be my better half and help me achieve my highest, greatest potential and kiss my lips in that knee-buckling moment to remind me you're here for me. I have always wished for you, someone to believe in me, break me out and remind me that I am perfectly fine to be myself-no one else can do it better, then lay your forehead on mine and look into my eyes.

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

on the line

"i told you my hearts leaning towards you

a little more than i knew

something was scaring you

is it too much?

or too fast?

or too forward?

should i step back and pretend

i don't feel this way?

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't love alone

i tried not to fall so far for you

now i can't get away from anything you say

you make me feel nervous and childlike

whenever i tell you i'm tired of playing games

i don't wanna tell a lie

i don't wanna have to hide

its on the line

i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone

i can't stay here wondering if you love me

if you don't say it

at least speak

..its on the line i've waited for a sign

i see it in your eyes 

i know you really feel the same

i need to know if i should raise or fold

my heart is stuck on hold

i wanna know which way to go

i can't love alone"
-katelyn tarver-

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

Inn

slices of the flawless heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

those days were even better than i could have ever anticipated

side-by-side for days

next to the wonderful person i have

adventures i've never ventured to

until now

until then

picture perfect memories made

bringing me closer to everything i've ever wanted

needed, even

i never knew life could get this good

he took me on this journey and exceeded all my expectations

its beautiful and special

keeping me in the happiest place

rocks, dirt and muddy shoes

slices of heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

the difference between fingers and lips

it was just a matter of time. a ticking time-bomb i was truly surprised hadn't burst yet. i don't know how it hasn't exploded, shaking the earth, yet. i'm a lot more patient than i ever thought i was, it seems. there should be more good shocks like that. but the truth has to be spoken, eventually. if only my lips were as brave as my fingers. i could write it all day but when you stand in front of me my tongue disallows my lips the pleasure of assisting my heart as it speaks to yours. i wish my eyes could relay the message to you, but i don't see it working, yet, hard as i've tried. and i have tried, i swear. those three words, separately are as easy as the alphabet to recite. they're simple and flow right from my smile. but when you tie them together and you know the promise and the meaning behind them when they're side-by-side, it changes the degree of difficulty like you couldn't imagine. but i have to get it out, somehow.. someday. because i have never felt it this way, before. in fact, before this, i've never felt it. not the real kind of emotion. this is real and this is lasting. i'm consumed by its rapture and laced, beaming joy it brings to my life. i'm overjoyed by you and what you've done to me. i hope you've seen the change, too. heres some news, i plan to sing for you. just to prove how much i mean what i hope i someday say. courage has to build, still. i'm shy, you know. quiet by nature. but its truer than true. i do.

.....
i love you.
so. much.
always & forever

i really hope

how was i supposed to ever know that life could get so perfect? before you there was no way i could ever tell. thank heavens for you. i am so head over heels in this for you, love. i'd convinced myself i was a nobody but you saw i was a somebody and you don't let me forget that. you're perfect, i swear. is it too forward to say i hope i never lose you? because there is nothing more truthful than that statement, right there. you are my savior, hero and best friend and you entered the scene when i needed you most, when i was splattered at rock bottom you held my hand and motivated me to stand, again, promising you'd help me stay upright. and you keep your promises, i see it in your charming eyes. you're unlike everyone else. you're honest, respectful and a gentleman to defeat everyone else who claims they're so chivalrous and fabulous. somehow i managed to make you mine, to top it all off. yeah, its true, i hope i never lose you. i have been beaten and bruised and full of insecurity but you my handsome one have knocked the tragedies right out of mind - the place they've dwelt for far too long. how can i ever make it up to you? i really hope i never lose you.

Because of You

I've never found myself happier

Last night you made me feel the best I've ever felt

The confidence I've been filled with since those moments

Is astounding and has left a permanent smile on my face

You know what I've struggled with for years

And those words and actions last night

Have made those worries disappear

I'm happy with me and with who I am

And what I look like

You're magical

You're the one

You're my hero

Thanks to you

There is finally a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel

You're the sunshine I couldn't find on my own

"One hell of a support group"
We both know how easy it is for me to fall back into it
But even if I do
I know I've got you to save me

Because of you, I can

colors

i'm on a journey. finding beauty in imperfections.
sometimes my heart calls this finding inner peace and happiness.
i have that, a drought in my life.
every day is a new canvas for me to paint
how the final piece is displayed is up to me
and my attitude.
bright yellows and oranges don't always signify joy
i've found it can be a careful cover of deeper feelings.
blues, purples, deep greens, i think those are me.
but not always
because i'm ever-changing.
its all part of the process or so i'm told.
i'll let you in on a secret i don't often tell..
i think i actually enjoy it.
more than any of that, i'm enjoying the solidity i've found.
in him, of course.
mm, him.
finally, the colors on my canvas portray real joy
no matter what color i may paint, its joyful with a smile painted behind.
if only in pieces, it is there.
joy. trust. humility. strength. comfort. peace. happiness. love.
the things i'd convinced my own brain i'd never receive
because nothing was in my favor and maybe i wasn't good enough.
but he changed everything.
and i am good enough - i always have been.
tomorrow, undoubtably, i will re-pain my canvas to fit myself
but his pieces remain true and constant.
the rest of me is the daily battle ground and attitude conquers all
good or bad, the strongest is the winner.
and that, darlings, is all part of the journey.
there really is beauty, radiant, chaotic beauty in this journey.
hazel eyes just have to open to it.

hopelessly romantically captivated

a hopeless romantic always caught up, lost in a daydream of a fairy tale

nothing lasting even stayed

but hope has a way of remaining in her eager heart

a well worth it wait finally knocked on her door

a handsome prince

with a sparkling smile and captivating blue eyes

the daydream is real, these days

Forget

We forget. We forget all the time.
Life is short and fragile and some people are dealt incredibly difficult hands.
Every moment is a gift
Only some people are really reminded of that.
Some people have to endure hell
And they are the ones who clearly realize how easy we have it
Too humble to scream it.
Here I am ungrateful for so much, always finding life to complain about
When in reality
I have the most fortunate life
I'm lucky, blessed, gifted and given an easy lot.
She hasn't been so lucky and I'm more blessed than ever
To know her
To smile at her
And to see her smile regardless of all the tragedy she's endured
Is still enduring.
We forget. I forget all the time.
But goals are changing me - never forget, please.

Next Time Isn't Coming Soon Enough

You took my breath away, again. But this time was different. This time I felt deep emotions stir that I didn't know existed. This time everything I wished for came into the lime-light and I could see them actually occurring, one day. It may have been a long time waiting, and I kept you waiting long enough, but as we agreed - so worth it. You've got me anxiously awaiting next time. Yum. I wonder if you could read my thoughts as easily as they came to my mind. Its a flawless sort of beautiful. I love everything about it and from this point on, its only getting better. Wow. You took my breath away. Tonight was great.