tonight
i am everything i didn't want to be.
anxious. nervous. a wreck. frantic. worried. {very} heavy hearted. sick to my stomach. fearful. weak. anxious. anxious. anxious.
the word 'fail' is all it took to send me into the occasional downward spiral. i am at a loss for words and eager to relearn what my kind of hope is. oh, how i need it. need. i really do.
but today - this afternoon - why can i not keep that calm inside my heart that now is racing and begging my brain to go to sleep so it can stop feeling.
this afternoon was just perfect there in that holy room where holy people are -- all after one thing. getting better. trying to be perfect. pleasing God and forgetting man.
in that moment, i did all of that. with tears in my eyes and a heart near bursting with joy and confidence.
where did it go? why am i here in my robe, sitting on the floor...miserable?
i want to do good. i want to prove to myself what i can do. no more failure. no more embarrassment. no more 'what if's' and 'should have's'. no. hopefully next time.. monday will be full of 'hoorays' and 'i did its'. oh, wouldn't that be icing on the cake?
anxious
anxious
anixous...
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