endless daydreams, again. i'm not surprised.

finally. my fingers have been aching for their natural, happy habitat. nothing in particular to riddle about, really. words just bring a smile to my pale face. even now, when i can barely keep my eyes open, all i want to do is spill phrases from the tips of my fingers and feel that glorious feeling when the world lifts itself from my shoulders. not much beats that notion. i've caught myself in dramatic daydreams, lately. again. i think thats all i do, sometimes. they're dreams of forever and happily ever after. dreams of an eternal love and endless 'i love you's.' dreams of the dreams i've dreamt of since i could process a tangible thought. so, dear, what do you say? is it time to push them from dreams to reality, yet?

i love you

I like your smile

I like your vibe

I like your style

But that's not why I love you

And I, I like the way you're such a star

But that's not why I love you

Hey, do you feel, do you feel me?

Do you feel what I feel too?

Do you need, do you need me?

Do you need me?

You're so beautiful

But that's not why I love you

I'm not sure you know

That the reason I love you is you 

Being you, just you

The reason I love you

Is all that we've been through

And that's why I love you

And how you keep your cool

When I am complicated

But that's not why I love you

Hey, do you feel, do you feel me?

Do you feel what I feel too?

Do you need, do you need me?

Do you need me?

You're so beautiful

But that's not why I love you

And I'm not sure you know

That the reason I love you is you 

Being you, just you

The reason I love you

Is all that we've been through

And thats why I love you

And thats why I love you

when someone asks me what body part i like most on a guy (you) i reply eyes and smiles.

its that sweet, gentle, genuine smile. it gets me every time. you're beautiful. its the easiest thing to picture in my mind - all the time. when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when everything is perfect, when nothing is right. you are the image that keeps me sane and keeps me on the right track. i owe you more than i could ever give you but that doesn't mean i won't try to give you my all. i love you when you are you in the most raw way. your touch, those magical kisses, the way you wrap your strong arms around my body giving me the sensation of being in my own "home" we've built, here. i'm safe inside of you. your blue eyes do something powerful to the inside of me i could never explain. its just...a fairy tale. i am so captivated by your image and the charisma you poses inside and out. when you kiss my lips and i open my eyes and my gaze falls upon that smile, those eyes. i melt. you really do melt me. i'm in love with each moment and i've learned to embrace each moment of it. or i'm still learning to never let it go. i swear i'll never let you go. i'm in too deep, its too perfect. i love this, us, too much. and when i'm not with you, where i find myself now, i'll close my eyes and let my imagination fall upon your sweet, sweet smile on your beautiful face.

again

this is getting tiring. its the same thing i say to myself, daily, because i don't have the guts to say it to your face. please. please, let me have what is mine. let me have the honors of releasing news, first, that was my story to tell in the first place. you shouldn't ever have been the one i feel like i'm racing against, yet here we are. i'll be blunt. i hate it. 

trials attack

its hard, sometimes. when everything else is so perfect, my one kryptonite and evil temptation attacks. even when i am sure i'm strong enough to be strong enough. i falter more than i'd ever admit to someone besides my father in heaven. its an ache i can't medicate. a sorrow i've yet to learn to rid myself of. i want to be perfect just like everything else. why are hard things so easy to come by most of the time? the devil and his stupid grasp is stronger than me from time to time. but i know i cannot succumb to his power. its the stress that gets me. lately the bug inside of me is an overwhelming one. but its nothing i can't handle. after all, i'll never be given a trial i can't overcome, shove under the dirt and stand master over. watch me do it, because i will.

Inn

slices of the flawless heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

those days were even better than i could have ever anticipated

side-by-side for days

next to the wonderful person i have

adventures i've never ventured to

until now

until then

picture perfect memories made

bringing me closer to everything i've ever wanted

needed, even

i never knew life could get this good

he took me on this journey and exceeded all my expectations

its beautiful and special

keeping me in the happiest place

rocks, dirt and muddy shoes

slices of heaven

tasteful pieces of everything

perfect handfuls of perfection

the difference between fingers and lips

it was just a matter of time. a ticking time-bomb i was truly surprised hadn't burst yet. i don't know how it hasn't exploded, shaking the earth, yet. i'm a lot more patient than i ever thought i was, it seems. there should be more good shocks like that. but the truth has to be spoken, eventually. if only my lips were as brave as my fingers. i could write it all day but when you stand in front of me my tongue disallows my lips the pleasure of assisting my heart as it speaks to yours. i wish my eyes could relay the message to you, but i don't see it working, yet, hard as i've tried. and i have tried, i swear. those three words, separately are as easy as the alphabet to recite. they're simple and flow right from my smile. but when you tie them together and you know the promise and the meaning behind them when they're side-by-side, it changes the degree of difficulty like you couldn't imagine. but i have to get it out, somehow.. someday. because i have never felt it this way, before. in fact, before this, i've never felt it. not the real kind of emotion. this is real and this is lasting. i'm consumed by its rapture and laced, beaming joy it brings to my life. i'm overjoyed by you and what you've done to me. i hope you've seen the change, too. heres some news, i plan to sing for you. just to prove how much i mean what i hope i someday say. courage has to build, still. i'm shy, you know. quiet by nature. but its truer than true. i do.

.....
i love you.
so. much.
always & forever

& the moon was right, again

crystalized perfection

dancing, sparkled sunshine

i'm in love with this grace

everything about my peach colored life

is exactly as it should be

finally

the moons gentle smile

reminds me that this is the plan

i was sure i couldn't be good enough for it, once

oh

last summer

as i cuddled up to the grass

and stared at the moons pretty stars

they seemed to tell me all these promises

revelations and dreams come true

i doubted it all

my mind was stuck in negativity

no way could i achieve such a beauty

if only, if only

the moon was right

he is here and he is real

careful, sweet and laced with perfectness

somehow i found the cave

smothered in that crystalized perfect touch

and it loved me back

Forever a Million

I don't know how you do it, but you do it well. Your thick fingertips have magic inside their veins. Each time you flawlessly take me inside that picture perfect canvas of yours I can't help my thoughts from becoming long-term, if you know what I mean. Plain and simply, I've never been happier than the moments I've been with you. Four and a half months of the most perfect kind of beautiful. People don't get much luckier than this. Its lovely. You're lovely. My ship has surrendered to your genuine charm and your sincere character. I'm yours for as long as you keep me and you better know I pray for this timeline to show no end. Somehow my insecurities don't exist, anymore, when you hold me close. You take me for me, the exact way I am, not even minutely implying your wish for me to change anything about myself. I'm forever in your favor. You've done the impossible, dear. Forever a million thank you a billion. Your kisses fill my mind with happiness, the genuine, sparkly as a diamond, kind. Your hands know exactly where to set to make the butterflies take control of my body. You stay in control, too. A trait I've long awaited in my "someone." You have standards, good ones. You have goals, you keep them. You make promises, and they are kept. I'm completely safe with you, I'll never deny it. You'll never let me down. This is where I was always supposed to be, but you found me when I needed you most. November started the fairy-tale I only thought existed in those worlds you read about in paper-back words. But you've proven me wrong. I've never been so pleased to have faulty thoughts. These miracles happen in real life, too. Finally, they're happening to me. You are beautiful and you've made me become and see my beauty. I hope I can return the favor and never let you forget your worth, your charm, the handsome face and soul, you are. I hope its an always sort of deal. You do it so well.

Pick Me Up

I need to hear your laugh right now

That sound is the tune that makes me happiest

And right now I need a pick me up

Sometimes some days aren't as bright as the others

But you have a way of lighting me up

i really hope

how was i supposed to ever know that life could get so perfect? before you there was no way i could ever tell. thank heavens for you. i am so head over heels in this for you, love. i'd convinced myself i was a nobody but you saw i was a somebody and you don't let me forget that. you're perfect, i swear. is it too forward to say i hope i never lose you? because there is nothing more truthful than that statement, right there. you are my savior, hero and best friend and you entered the scene when i needed you most, when i was splattered at rock bottom you held my hand and motivated me to stand, again, promising you'd help me stay upright. and you keep your promises, i see it in your charming eyes. you're unlike everyone else. you're honest, respectful and a gentleman to defeat everyone else who claims they're so chivalrous and fabulous. somehow i managed to make you mine, to top it all off. yeah, its true, i hope i never lose you. i have been beaten and bruised and full of insecurity but you my handsome one have knocked the tragedies right out of mind - the place they've dwelt for far too long. how can i ever make it up to you? i really hope i never lose you.

End This War

This shouldn't feel like a competition, this should feel light and magical. You're turning this to mud. Why can I not have this moment to myself? If it goes as I wish it to, you'll have it forever, too. Right now, though, its mine and I am doing my best to keep this beautiful thing for all eternity. If you're the one to ruin it or make it awkward or stand still my heart would shatter. Let me have my time, I beg you. I'm a big girl and I know how to do this by myself without your coaching and shoving. This is my moment, my thing and I'm trying so hard to be patient with the process but this is making it more difficult. Please see my point of view. Accept my position and my situation as I've tried so hard to do with you. You have yours. Let me catch mine. This is supposed to be my magical moment but it feels like a war.

quick list of thanks

a small bump in the road to open another golden door. i'm thankful for your voice. coming clean and making things right with that big, lovely heart. i'm thankful for your respect. my opinion of you has only grown because of your high standards and esteem. you know how to do things the right way. i'm thankful for your example. you know how to treat a girl, how to treat me - a very welcome change to my life. i'm thankful for your parents raising you right. you accept nothing but the best but help aid the moments not up to par. i'm thankful for your patience. it was only a bump in the road, it happens. it was handled maturely, swiftly and beautifully. i'm thankful for you.

Because of You

I've never found myself happier

Last night you made me feel the best I've ever felt

The confidence I've been filled with since those moments

Is astounding and has left a permanent smile on my face

You know what I've struggled with for years

And those words and actions last night

Have made those worries disappear

I'm happy with me and with who I am

And what I look like

You're magical

You're the one

You're my hero

Thanks to you

There is finally a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel

You're the sunshine I couldn't find on my own

"One hell of a support group"
We both know how easy it is for me to fall back into it
But even if I do
I know I've got you to save me

Because of you, I can

colors

i'm on a journey. finding beauty in imperfections.
sometimes my heart calls this finding inner peace and happiness.
i have that, a drought in my life.
every day is a new canvas for me to paint
how the final piece is displayed is up to me
and my attitude.
bright yellows and oranges don't always signify joy
i've found it can be a careful cover of deeper feelings.
blues, purples, deep greens, i think those are me.
but not always
because i'm ever-changing.
its all part of the process or so i'm told.
i'll let you in on a secret i don't often tell..
i think i actually enjoy it.
more than any of that, i'm enjoying the solidity i've found.
in him, of course.
mm, him.
finally, the colors on my canvas portray real joy
no matter what color i may paint, its joyful with a smile painted behind.
if only in pieces, it is there.
joy. trust. humility. strength. comfort. peace. happiness. love.
the things i'd convinced my own brain i'd never receive
because nothing was in my favor and maybe i wasn't good enough.
but he changed everything.
and i am good enough - i always have been.
tomorrow, undoubtably, i will re-pain my canvas to fit myself
but his pieces remain true and constant.
the rest of me is the daily battle ground and attitude conquers all
good or bad, the strongest is the winner.
and that, darlings, is all part of the journey.
there really is beauty, radiant, chaotic beauty in this journey.
hazel eyes just have to open to it.

hopelessly romantically captivated

a hopeless romantic always caught up, lost in a daydream of a fairy tale

nothing lasting even stayed

but hope has a way of remaining in her eager heart

a well worth it wait finally knocked on her door

a handsome prince

with a sparkling smile and captivating blue eyes

the daydream is real, these days

Forget

We forget. We forget all the time.
Life is short and fragile and some people are dealt incredibly difficult hands.
Every moment is a gift
Only some people are really reminded of that.
Some people have to endure hell
And they are the ones who clearly realize how easy we have it
Too humble to scream it.
Here I am ungrateful for so much, always finding life to complain about
When in reality
I have the most fortunate life
I'm lucky, blessed, gifted and given an easy lot.
She hasn't been so lucky and I'm more blessed than ever
To know her
To smile at her
And to see her smile regardless of all the tragedy she's endured
Is still enduring.
We forget. I forget all the time.
But goals are changing me - never forget, please.