This is the Life

Laying here, wrapped inside what you let me use to aid my sleep. Its peaceful here and the smell of it overpowers me with every memory involving your sweet face. Nothing is better than this. Things are becoming nearly flawless and I'm becoming the person I want to be - we wanted me to work towards. How great is that? Sometimes I have a hard time believing this is my life. The same life I used to only hurt inside is now so much less achey and a million times more flowery and elegant - showering me with laughs, smiles and hints of happily-ever-after. This is the life.

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

Surprise

It was the first step of many - but I didn't know that when I said it. Like always, you pointed out the best in me. If I could do that, take that big step and show some bravery, then I can do anything. I've always been able to, its just taken you to point it out to me. What would I do without you? Its amazing what that did to me. It sent a flame through my body full of confidence and self-worth. Amazing how things work. Finally, I can say this with certainty, not just words, actions will back this--the change is coming. Here it comes!

Tonight

Sweetheart

You are the sweetest soul in the whole wide world

Everything is right about you

And tonight confirmed that more than ever

Mm, I adore you

Love you, even

The way you lift my chin to kiss my lips

When you look into my eyes and call me pretty

How you hold me close to you in your arms

The way you take my breathe away

And the list goes on and on, my darling

This is only short and not much creativity was put to it

But before I could rest my eyes, tonight

I had to spill, even a little bit, my heart

To inform you once again

You're the one and only

The only one for me, my dear

Here It Comes

I'm cold and I'm anxious. I have an overwhelmingly exciting feeling that things are about to fall into place in the way I've always dreamt it would. Dreams are well on their way to coming true and there is nothing more beautiful. Now, if only I could do, what I've decided, is my part in this pretty picture I've painted with the most beautiful person in the whole world. Time has done me well and its screaming in my heart now that now is the time to do what I've known I should have done all along. Take a deep breathe, girl. Here it comes.

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

You're Missed

So, I miss it. I miss the closeness we once had. The hours we'd spend together that most people would consider pointless--they were everything but that, right? I miss telling you every secret I need to tell. I miss seeing your car pull up in my driveway and seeing your blonde hair in curls waiting for me. I miss laughing deep into the night. I miss dancing. I miss solving problems together. I miss knowing everything about you and having your example heavy in my life. You were the girl I needed and I think I'd love you back. My best friend I miss.

My World

I want to live in a world where everything is peach-colored and flawless and the trials we endure never hurt for too long. Once a lesson is learned, its learned - you'd never forget it. You'd never make the same mistake twice. Feelings wouldn't hurt because people are kind enough not to hurt others. Rumors don't spread because they never start and peers don't judge because of what you look like. Smiles would overpopulate the frowns - there would be no frowns. Shy girls could tell their boyfriends they love them even if it scares them to death because everyone would be confident in themselves...even the shy girls. Children would respect their parents and parents would respect their children's space. Religion wouldn't tear people apart. Differences would be accepted. Being unique would no longer be frowned upon. Embarrassing moments would be uplifting and goofy laughs would be everyones favorite. I want to live in a world where happiness is everyones motto and smiles are more important than money. Oh, what a world.

i like the way you are my boyfriend

I like the way you care for me and you don't care who sees it. I like the way you look at me like theres no other girls in the world. I like the way you smile when I look over at your perfect face. I like the way you help me work to solve my problems. I like the way you listen to whatever I say, even if its boring or irrelevant to you. I like the way you dance with me with no music playing. I like the way you say I'm pretty. I like the way you have my heart in your hands and I know its safe, there. I like the way you like me. I like the way you squeeze me close to your body. I like the way you are invested in my happiness. I like the way you are mature and responsible. I like the way you make me laugh until my stomach hurts. I like the way you interact with my family. I like the way you sing - especially at church. I like the way you lift my chin up and kiss my lips. I like the way you tuck my hair behind my ears. I like the way you care for your nieces and nephews. I like the way you call me Cee Cee. I like that you're my boyfriend and I'm your girlfriend. I like the way that you drive safely. I like the way you don't let pride ruin your life. I like the way you eat. I like the way make me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt. I like the way you notice the little things. I like the way you always know what to say. I like the way you smile - that melts me. I like the way you stand behind me. I like the way you make me believe in our future. I like the way you remind me you're there for me. I like the way that you're my ultimate support group. I like the way you want to work on the things that need attention. I like the way you smell. I like the way your heart beats when I lay my head on your chest. I like the way you remember what I tell you. I like the way that you love your family and the gospel. I like the way you know right from wrong and you choose the right way no matter what. I like the way you make me like you so, so much. I like the way you're you. I like you. A lot.

A Favorite Fairy-Tale

Ours

is a 

Knight in Shining Armor

and

Damsel in Distress

kind of tale

You found me and saved me

Before I even knew you wanted me

You'd done things to my mentality

I have been longing for

For ages

You're my hero

My prince

My true knight in shining armor

I was the broken maiden in a tall tower

Visited by some

Left by many

You were the noble, gentlemen

Who took the time

Dedication and responsibility

To climb the tower

And sweep me off my feet

You wiped the tears from my eyes

And the worries from my heart

You put calm in my mind

And a smile on my face

And we lived happily ever-after

Coming

I did it again, I think. But I'm one step closer to getting it right. One day, finally, I won't let you down. I won't disappoint or give you the urge to walk away from the bench. I'll say and do exactly as I should. I'm going to get it right, I just need your patience and for you to realize we come from different backgrounds, different homes. I'm trying but we know I'm timid. My past full of rockiness has created me to become this girl. But don't worry, the new Chelsea is on her way. Just understand that and be patient. She's a-commin'.

Sweetly

Its the way you kiss me - you take my breath away

Every moment I'm granted the opportunity to stare into those blue eyes

I feel my heart palpitate faster and faster

And the smile on my face surely grows, rapidly.

I'm in love, okay?

There is nothing mediocre about you, darling

Every inch of you is flawless

And every part of your soul is magical

You are my hero and my saving grace

You're the heart, eyes, smile and soul I've been searching for

That one person placed on earth I was meant to find.

People call it soul mates, I guess.

If those are true, then you are mine

Because there is no way you couldn't be.

When I am with you, I am home.

Your smell sets my butterflies at ease

Your hugs lift me from a low place I've found myself in

Your kisses on my forehead prove I'm beautiful

They prove that you care for me.

When you come up behind me and meet me with your lips

I feel everything coming together

Like a beautiful puzzle fitting neatly and majestically.

We are meant to be, undoubtably

I'm captivated but I'd hate to be anywhere else

When you leave at night, I can't wait to see you, again

Even an hour becomes too long without your sweet self.

But every moment I know you're mine

I'm reminded you are worth it.

I'm in love, okay?

Its your kiss that sets it off.

Mmm.

happy

i have a happy heart. everything is so perfect and i have forever-bells ringing, sweetly in my ears. how i got so lucky, i will never know, but i do know that what i've created beside you, with your help, is a flawless pastel canvas with perfect strokes and the grandest of intentions that i will never release from my grasp. i hope this is a mutual feeling - as mutual as i wish it to be. i have a happy heart. i have a cheery smile. i have a joyous soul. i have you.