Spilling from the place where they're created
Floods on the floor
Emotion seeping into the carpet, below
Time is precious and worthwhile
The organ in my chest pumping life
Becomes overwhelmed with it all
Finding the perks in every downfall
The journey has landed my feet here
In front of everything I always knew I'd need
Never was this how I imagined it
No soul saw this path coming
Nobody except maybe a best friend
Trial and error
Trial and error
Finally getting it right this time
A limp body falls to the floor, overcome with life
This is it, how it was always meant
Breathe

Took the Words Right out of my Mouth

You ran around inside my head
When you passed out, I felt dead
And I realized you make me live
And when my world starts to cave in, you jump inside and take my hand
No matter where, you are there
Will I ever see, what you could see in me?
I do, I just believe that we will always be and dream
Well I will never be the same and when they see
that you and I were meant to be they'll just believe why we are together
You are my light, you are my star, you are my sunshine and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about
A real life fairytale
I thought that I would be alone
You caught my eye and I was home
And I realized that this was love
I see the world through different eyes
I look at you by my side
No matter where, you're always there
Will I ever see what you could see in me?
I do, I just believe that we will always be and dream
Well I will never be the same and when they see
that you and I were meant to be they'll just believe why we are together
You are my light, you are my star
You are my sunshine and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about
Dream with me, make me believe that this is a real life fairytale
You are my light, you are my star
You are my sunshine, and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about!
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about
A real life fairytale

luck.

I woke this morning with a pounding in my head. I was full of hope. But deep down I knew it wasn't today. 

Its nice to have someone to complain to, who listens and has bright solutions. Its cheerful.

I'm sure that situation was proof for what I've begged for. There are some pretty powerful forces in this world.

So in conclusion, a day that could have fallen to crumbs became a candle. Bright and warm because of words held in my fingers.

I've got all the luck in the world. 

Look Up

I look up to you and I don't think you understand just how much. The disappointment you have in me, the frustrations you hold in your eyes when you look at me kill me. Its a feeling I can't even describe. I wish you'd understand. I care. Probably too much. But that is me, its who I am and I've tried and failed too many times to change it to keep pursuing that goal. Just embrace it, please. I really wish you would. I know you try to help, I see that and I understand it, but when I feel too much emotion I get overwhelmed and act out. We both can work on how we handle these moments. I'm trying to become myself, become independent but still stay true to my little-girl roots. I've said it before, its difficult to explain. I wish you could experiment with my heart in your palms, then you'd know. But since that wish is impossible, just try and understand. I will do the same. More than anything, I wish you knew just how much I look up to you. How much I try..

Touches

You don't even know...

That thing you do, it sends my head spinning. My heart beats faster and I can't control my smile.

Its that one action.

That movement. That touch.

The feel.

Fingers on my finger.

I don't know how you do it.

I'll never understand how you know exactly what to say at exactly the right moment.

As cliche as it sounds, it couldn't be more true.

Its beautiful. This is beautiful, don't you agree?

Those bells are ringing in my ears. This time they're real.

That usual doubt that haunts me hasn't found me with you.

Its like even fear knows this is good.

And then my mind wanders back to that action.

You're some sort of perfect.

This is every kind of perfection.

I love this.

foggy

sleepless. again.

tired, foggy eyes, bored of this same room.

this is getting old.

others who fall into a slumber the moment their heads hit their pillows...

they're the lucky ones.

insomnia: a slow killer. 

a road to insanity.

one day i'll sleep. one day.

i keep telling myself that.

I am

Empowered

Because I've fought through a broken heart.

Strong

Because I learned how to be independent and rely on myself.

Loved

Because God has blessed me with the most incredible family and friends.

Beautiful

Because the people I associate myself with have shown me my inner light.

Tough 

Because I've figured out how to make my voice heard.

Imperfect

Because no one is perfect, here, and I'm embracing it.

Humble

Because I was once proud and was stricken down to nothing at all.

Faithful

Because after much trial and error, I see God is the only path follow.

Open-Minded

Because someone is always there to help me learn and grow.

Righteous

Because I have standards that cause me to be righteous to my Heavenly Father.

Happy

Because my life is a chaotic, crazy mess full of beauty, light, energy, blessings and opportunities.

Ready To Go

Its cold outside and the snowflakes sleeping on the ground remind me of last Christmas. I didn't feel well but I was comfortable in that situation, in that body. Things were hazy but life was easy then. Little did I know my life would change completely in that next month. Everything I had my bets placed on fell to pieces. Hearts I trusted dropped my sanity. Friends I called the best broke their promises. People I thought I knew showed they had multiple faces. I lost everything I swore I needed. I messed up. I faltered. I was nothing because everyone else made me feel as if that were the truth. As the months kept passing, injuries would heal but swiftly were replaced by new heart attacks. It wasn't easy. July brought promise but that turned into dust. September was the breaking point.
Then November came around.
It was expected to be miserable like everything else. I'd learned not to place high hopes in coming days and this was no different.

Its funny and magical how your eyes can meet a pair of pretty eyes and next thing you know, your whole world is changed for the better. In the instances you find yourself in with a soul yours matches with, perfectly, your messy past makes sense because it brought you to this moment in time. Somehow your flaws and your insecurities shrivel up and don't matter because others judgments don't exist when you're with those pretty eyes. All that matters is the two of you.

Life never got easier. I just got stronger and found a lovely hand to hold that makes promises it keeps. The light at the end of the tunnel I could never find is mine, now, and things can only go up from here. Rock bottom is the best place to build a firm foundation. Here I am, ready to do this. Ready to go.

laugh lines

Your laugh lines. The way your face wrinkles into that pretty masterpiece. I can't help but grin. Your confidence. I want to be just like you. That head on your shoulders, strong and proud but so perfectly humble. Your hands. I'm protected inside of them. I like how it feels to feel your fingers touch and I never want to let a graze pass me by. Your voice. Its the melody I fall asleep to. The tone I fall for every time. The way your chest vibrates when you speak to me while I lay beside you. Your hair. If you only knew the number of times a day I tell my mom how much I love it. Its you, fits you perfectly. Your family. I've never felt so welcome inside a home. No judgement and no fragile pieces to avoid, just smiles and laughs. Its wonderful. Your smell. Its become a craving. When that scent is in my lungs I know I'm in a good place. A place I surely want to be. Your eyes. They're the magical eyes people read about in fairy-tales and this time I get them in reality. They sparkle and melt me. You. I love everything about you. I didn't know someone could be so intricately perfect. But you are just that. You. You raise me up and make me better. You've taught me lessons no one else could. You've shown me a brighter side to all this. You. You make me smile. You make me happy. You make me warm. You.

Change

If you could change everything about yourself, everything about your life, would you? 
How far is too far to be altered?
When did it become so unpopular to just be who you are? That special person God created you to be?
Why can't you be her? Why do you fight so hard to be anyone else?
You're good enough to be you. You're you for a reason.
If you could change everything about yourself...
I hope you wouldn't. 

2am Rambles

Its bound to be an Owl Eyes night, tonight. Figures. I don't have a lot of nights different than that. Too much to do. Too much to think about. Too much to smile about. Too much to stress out about. Too much to handle normally, really. Its all too much but anything other than just that wouldn't be roped inside what I like to brag about.

Today was pretty. Productivity throughout the chilly day and the frozen night ended in kisses. 

Why, though, does tomorrow always have to loom over my sleepless head? Why is my mind incapable of embracing laying lazily on the couch and keeping my thoughts there? What if I don't want to worry about what tomorrow is going to put on the plate? What if I like being oblivious to the fact that I'm technically an adult? Wishful thinking, again... One of my talents.

At least if I slept I could live inside of a dreamland for a while before reality becomes a part of me, again, you know? They say the overly-creative minds don't need as much sleep. I wish I wasn't so overly-creative, in that case. 

Well, the night is getting closer to becoming the morning. Perhaps I should try again to sleep? Or at least relax a while.

Goodnight, goodnight. 

Hearts.

Once there was a heart.
I held it tightly in my arms, I protected that piece of him with my life and I gave up pieces of myself, risking my sanity and my name to keep it proud, powerful and strong. Just like he would have wanted.
I placed my fragile, eager heart in his hands in return. He promised me it was his to keep forever and it could not be in safer, more reliable hands.
Thats when I learned words are nothing without actions to back them up.
I just became an accessory to his already charmed life. Just a hand to hold to boost his ego and help his image. When he said 'I love you' his eyes said otherwise. When he kissed me, his mind was elsewhere. His touch was cold and cruel. His alternative motives consumed him and I got lost in the mess he made.
I gave that heart far too many chances.
I convinced myself the rumors I'd heard were lies.
I swore his mistakes were making him better.
I've never been more wrong.
Finally, a blessing in disguise, he dropped my heart. Carelessly. He didn't care anymore. He hadn't for a long time.
Stupid little me, I always knew he didn't mean what he said. I'm just a wishful thinker.
Fast forward a few months...
There is a new heart.
And this one? Oh, its better.
Life is so much better.

Here Goes Nothing

Dancing on he tips of my toes, I'm not coming down from this high.
Here seems like a nice place to stay. A quaint place to settle down and make myself at home with a pretty set of hands to hold.
Here goes nothing. __ _____ ___. Its true.
I don't know how this magic fell into our hands. Well, I do. I was there. I just wonder how I became so fortunate.
Why'd you choose me? Why'd I get the luck this time? Its so unlike me.
Its been a long time since I've felt so comfortable, now all I want to do is lay on your chest and talk to you. It feels good to finally be listened to. To be something special rather than something available.
Even tragedies can have happy endings. Thanks for the lesson, dear.

putting an end to it

i'm shutting down, its an overwhelming feeling i can't break off my sleeve.
i'd rather have the truth than something insincere. wouldn't you, too?
your pretty little mind is chalk-full of happily-ever-after dreams and that smile on your face reminds you of your newly found butterflies.
somehow i have to be the one with enough courage to tell you its doomed, headed towards a path of disapproval. a trail they wouldn't follow.
this privilege is one i'm trying to figure out how to shy away from. but its too hard to stray away from what must be done for everyones good.
darlin', it just doesn't feel right, no one thinks so.
just because i have it, doesn't mean you need to, also.
i'm shutting down, its an overwhelming feeling i can't break off my sleeve.

Weight on the Mind

How do you hold a broken glass together in your hand?
How can you convince yourself this mess is part of the plan?
How can I do this when my hearts screaming its wrong?
How do I find the meaning in this stuck-on-repeat song?

I want to have this and get that sparkle back.
This isn't something you find when you wander off the good track.
But hearts and minds collide and splash you with reality.
Keep reminding myself I've got to live this life for me.

Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.
Got to face the music, I would be the one to blame.
Deep down I think I love this but my skin is crying 'no.'
Makes me wonder why when I was young I wanted so badly to grow.

December

Welcome, welcome month of frozen cheeks and ice-cold fingers. Welcome back numb toes and late-night shivers. Now that you're here and you've brought your chills, I realize I've actually missed you - not just for your pretty holiday and the chance I get to celebrate another year of my life - but because you, yourself are pretty great, too. If only you'd let buckets of snow flakes tumble gracefully to the earth. It will be official, then. So welcome back, December. Good to see you, again.