it was a sunny, beautiful day full of anxiety and deep breaths that ended abruptly with angry storm clouds - each rain drop a small dagger piercing my once confident heart. with every piece of me, i believed in myself. my personal pep-talks were uplifting and i felt a calm of great proportions. so failure was the last thing i expected. how easily it would be to blame the people around me. i could play the victim. but i'm trying to be some kind of hero. to anyone, even if its not me. it put me in the strangest place. the sharp stings of not being good enough is something i haven't had for so long. i'd almost become accustomed and proud of myself for that achievement. and here i am, now. broken and in the end, a failure.
tomorrow is too similar. my wounds are still fresh and aching. somehow i have to find a way to be strong and upbeat again by the morning. how, though? the confidence i'd built so carefully is dashed. i feel small and quiet. i don't want to test myself, again. i don't want to risk hearing devastation crash through my brain, again. i don't want the feeling of guilt to double in pain because i messed up, again. i don't want to be a sore loser - but i'm tired of being sore.
i'm scared. i'm cautious and the anxiety has tripled and my confidence has hidden itself too well for me to locate. i'm broken down to hope, prayers and tears. i hope those can get me through. i'm trying to act tough for everyone. i'm trying to play it cool without too much sorrow. but right now, only right now, i'll let myself hurt.
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