i'm an angel, i'm a devil i am sometimes in between. i'm as bad as it can get and good as it can be. sometimes i'm a million colors, sometimes i'm black and white. i am all extremes. try and figure me out you never can, there's so many things i am. i am special, i am beautiful, i am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable. sometimes i'm miserable, sometimes i'm pitiful, but thats so typical of all the things i am.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

making plans

this talk..
those words
get me so excited
i can't believe it
these grown up things are happening
to me
we are talking long term
making plans
with eternities on our tongues
smiling and keeping eye contact
things are on their way to changing our lives
planning a future
one side by side
hand in hand
together
it gives me butterflies
because its real
it isn't a tale in my head
or a book to be read
its reality
its me and you
and we're talking about it
no more beating around that bush
we're planning on it
and you call it soon
this year, even
dreams are coming true this year
two lives will change
together
how neat is that?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

promise

don't look over your shoulder - thats only the past calling you back
it brought you here, it raised you, right
but tonight i'm praying you'll face forward
its these cryptic words i catch myself tangled in
effortlessly
don't hold the hand of the tempting one, there
i promise mine won't release the grasp
some things aren't destined to be broken
intertwined, forever
perfectly how life was intended to be lived
forget about what stops you
focus on what drives you to make Him proud
lose yourself in what you want
not what you think you need
sometimes your wants need satisfaction
but never lose sight of the bigger picture
remember those who'll never deceive you
never ask you to be anyone you're not
hold tight to this rope
anchor yourself to mine
we can float, together
just promise me you'll always stand proud
remembering how wonderful you are
to me
and to everyone you meet
something special beyond the dictionaries vocabulary
don't turn your eyes behind you
thats only what you know
its the unknown that really holds an adventure, anyway
jump in
face this lifetime with your chest held high
your eyes upward
and your smile brightly glowing 'cross your face

give it all

"i
i give it all
i trip and fall
for you
and i 
hope you wouldn't mind
just one more try
for something new
i need you
i need you
don't be shocked
if i cry
you've changed me
inside
you are the only reason
i pull through
i pull through"
-he is we

Sunday, July 15, 2012

daydreaming

i dream about it every night, now
if not in sleep - daydream
quite honestly, it consumes my whole heart, now
its all i want
its what i work for
what i pray for every morning and night
when i think of anything
its that thought
wondering (patiently, of course) when the day will arrive
perfectly at the door to my forevers
i'm more in love than i knew possible
better than fairy-tales, romantic movies and novels about love
what we created is better
don't you agree, darling?
its night time, now
so goodnight my love
i'll dream of you, again, tonight

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Way

You're so good. The way everyone else's wants and needs are placed before your own. The way you have a passion for the people you love and care for. The way you have this stunning eye contact that sends my heart into paradise. The way you wrap your arms around my body at the exact time I need a hug, most. You're so good. The way you are so wonderfully perfect.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Just Talking

Reminiscing. 
Do you remember the night we laid in my room for hours
Just talking
Maybe those are the moments you say we should try for
At least once a week
Just talking - getting deeper
I'd adore it, love
I love your face when you talk serious
The way your eyes radiate intensity
You mean what you say
And you'll keep the promises you make
I trust you with my full heart
And know this can only grow
Just talking


Pieces Eventually Make a Whole

Every time you go home
A piece of me you take.
But I know I'll be safe there, soon.
After all, all these pieces
Will someday make a whole
Bringing me there, next to you
Forever, if only.
Every day is one day closer
To the biggest day, you know?
I'll be patient
You'll be strong
And we won't give up
On this
Or each other.
You don't believe in Hollywood
So we'll make something better
While we build up this painting
Anticipating each tomorrow.
When you steal another piece of me..

Thursday, July 5, 2012

i need you to fix me, again, love

seeds of insecurity are easy to plant
bravery seeds are harder
and i falter almost every time
accepting the fact that right now
i'm insecure

all i need to feel better
bluntly

is you

until the end of forever

and lucky for me
(and hopefully you feel the same)

...forever has no end

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

This is Gross

Its like every fake thing was bottled up and now, let out, but for no reason. My mind can't keep up with the way my heart is racing - my emotions holding tight to the reigns. I want this to be over with so I can really enjoy things. No more of this half-hearted stuff. I want the weight off my chest, gone, and the hole in my thoughts, filled. But right now, thats too much to ask and not even the strongest doses of medication fix that. Its the price you pay, everyone tells me. I know that, but when the moments here, theres no logical thinking available. A pick-me-up would be nice, but I don't know if the usual would work, this time. Its like a stubbornness you can't shake. Eventually, hopefully even tomorrow, things will even out, again. The chemicals in my body will remember the peaceful way to navigate inside me. For now, I will just fight it. Or lay here on the couch. Probably the latter.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Forever Bells

The sound has been loud in my ears the past few months
I always ignored it
Because these are the moments I can't let myself bring up
Hoping, daily, you would
But take your time, I need to learn to be patient, anyway
In the meantime, you can find me with my head in the clouds
Forever bells ringing loud and clear
Promising me the future I've been wishing for

lay beside me

i'll lay here if you lay beside me
 i don't like doing things alone
 after all this time with you near me
 i think i'm realizing you are home.