Dim

My light is dim. It was splattered with harsh waters and is struggling to regain its once familiar flare. Dim doesn't mean gone, though. Just...bruised. The worst is that I really don't know how to tell the soul who holds me how I feel. Bits and piece of toxic water leading up to this downfall. That's all it is. Then the way we turned our lights out in the night. It didn't feel right at all. You know those evenings that leave you with a sour taste in your mouth, poisoning your stomach? That is exactly how I feel now. I wish I could wake him up and tell him - be able to dissect myself in front of him so he knows every last detail. ..but like I said, my light is dim. My esteem is hidden and he sounds so peaceful when he sleeps. In that current would of his, I don't think he holds any frustrations I gave him before he kissed my forehead, turned away, and slept. So I can't pry his blue eyes open, tonight. Instead I'll lay here sleeplessly. Which is unfortunate considering that when I first went to bed I was exhausted and anxious for dreams and cuddles. But situations change, don't they. Oh, they do. I wonder, now.. Can you make problems arise out of nothing? Is it possible to be perfectly alright and have someone ask you enough if something is wrong -- that eventually something is? Perhaps that was tonight's title. It's all said and done though. He's sleeping. But if I had the courage to wake him, I would tell him I'm sorry. And the main reason for my lame shine is the constant fear of not being good enough - not living up to his wants, needs and desires. He'd never admit it. He'll never say I am below his expectations. But I'd tell him that's how I feel, sometimes. And he'd just have to accept the ache of a woman's heart. I'll be honest, though. I'm not so brave. So I will lay here several hours more until I sleep. And after I wake, I'll pray everything is okay. If its not, maybe I'll tell him. And then I'll put on that smile and it will become so real and the shine will ignite, again. Finally. 

The Film

Craig put his creative talent to work again an made an awesome trailer of our first hike together of the season. 

Watch, and enjoy.

Positivity

I won't pretend like I know everything going on. All I really can do anyway, is try. I am finding joy in it, slowly. I have learned to embrace these imperfections. To love the flaws and learn from and laugh at old mistakes and embarrassments. This worldly-life is too short to regret. In anyway I can, now -- I can see even the smallest rays of yellow sunshine. How lucky am I? I am totally in love with this new life I've been given. It's a breath of fresh air and a hardy serving of positivity, daily. I thank him. Once he found my wandering soul, he gathered me up and took me in and cared for me like I've never been cared for, before. I'm the luckiest. (Have I said that enough, yet?) Then he put sparkles on my left finger and asked if we could care for each other forever. "Yes," was the best, most promising word I've ever said. And it just keeps getting better.