here comes the spill

tonight
i am everything i didn't want to be.
anxious. nervous. a wreck. frantic. worried. {very} heavy hearted. sick to my stomach. fearful. weak. anxious. anxious. anxious.
the word 'fail' is all it took to send me into the occasional downward spiral. i am at a loss for words and eager to relearn what my kind of hope is. oh, how i need it. need. i really do.
but today - this afternoon - why can i not keep that calm inside my heart that now is racing and begging my brain to go to sleep so it can stop feeling.
this afternoon was just perfect there in that holy room where holy people are -- all after one thing. getting better. trying to be perfect. pleasing God and forgetting man.
in that moment, i did all of that. with tears in my eyes and a heart near bursting with joy and confidence.

where did it go? why am i here in my robe, sitting on the floor...miserable?
i want to do good. i want to prove to myself what i can do. no more failure. no more embarrassment. no more 'what if's' and 'should have's'. no. hopefully next time.. monday will be full of 'hoorays' and 'i did its'. oh, wouldn't that be icing on the cake?
anxious

anxious


anixous...

its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.