its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.

thick liner and pressed flowers

i feel as if i should go back to what i consider my "roots" when it comes to spilling my soul onto pages or spilling it through scattered, frantic fingertips. i've strayed too far. tried too hard to conform. that has never been my style, just inquire of my educators as i grew up. i'll be me, thanks. old pictures. forced visions. description in a way i call just. the style i so desire - the things that i love. only a new chapter. time away has altered only small pieces. insignificant to you, greatly important to me. you know, the kind of writing that reminds you of classic red lipstick, thick black liner, pressed flowers and old, dusted novels. the comfort-food lyrical words. me.

Grassy Haven

I'm stuck in the middle. Trapped between being fair - being liked and doing what I feel is right - or what I want to be right. So how do you choose which side to take? Which field of grass do you jump into while you're teetering on top of the fence you find yourself on, so often? Which side do you justify? Which field is the right one? How do you find out - and be completely sure of - which choice is the one you should grasp? I just need some stability under my feet. A grassy haven, no more wooden splinters. So I keep on praying - my answer is due in the warmer months, anyway.

so

i can't cry tonight
the glue on my eyes will run
regardless
i wish i could've poured it out for you
cups of salty tea falling down
don't ask why, please
it just feels right
i am settling in on cloud nine
and every emotion is nearby
crowding me with their strength
i'm so happy
of course its easy
to become overwhelmed
or so worried something will break
but i've found something concrete
something to believe in
wholeheartedly
i believe in us with all i can believe in
the big picture is what i try to focus on
the forever and ever part
the white moment that sparkles
starting a new chapter
binding two into one
tying a knot - the strongest kind
beginning a family
loving, overall
why wouldn't i be happy?

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

Spider Web Thoughts

I make myself laugh at how bipolar my insides are

Its like, sometimes..

I want everything I'm working against

There, of course, are the few certainties

Things I'll never, ever give up

But then there are the wandering ones

Spider web thoughts

Crawling through my veins

Up into my brain

Cycled to my heart

Lets face it, half the time I don't know what I want

I think I'm caught up in my age

Feeling old and mature

But in reality

I'm sure I'm still young and naive

I still need the help 

I can't decide if I like asking for

However

Wishing I was given real agency is still there

Sitting in the front of my mind

Someday it'll be noticed

Maybe even given

For now, I am in this odd cycle

The old and new spiders

Infecting me with all their possibilities

Good and bad

Happy and sad

You know the whole ordeal

The whole darned ordeal

But also, its amazing

If it wasn't already clear, allow me to tell you, now

I'm torn in what I am usually thinking

The pros and the cons always get me

Different sides seem fine

Each could be pleasing

I'll admit it..

I know the real answer

I'm just caught in the moment, now

Surely, I'm staying here

Still small and under a ruling thumb

But its where I've chosen to place myself

Actions of a lifetime led me here

Time to grasp it

Like I usually do

It was only a weird morning

Storm

Ah, I need to write. Maybe that will calm the tornado inside of my stomach before the hurricane of tears, that has been sitting right behind my eyes for a few days, now, overwhelms me. What makes this feeling worse is that I don't even know why I feel so small next to my emotion. What is wrong with me? I could easily suck it up to being female. Hormones, you know? But what if I feel like its something more than that? Its been a whisper in my mind a few days, but today it hit me like a rock. Something inside of me isn't settled like it should be. I can't place my finger on what it is. Well, I know I'm worried about something. That, I know. Why am I worried, though? I have a tremendous family, a loving boyfriend who means the world to me. I have good friends, again. I have shelter, safety and security. So what is it? Fine, I'll call it hormones.

small

it is small and not so bad, after all. the aches and pains are rather minuscule compared to what others are trying to battle. so, really, i'm lucky. the important thing is to keep moving. keep moving forward because standing still gets you nowhere, of course. all you need is a trustworthy soul by your side and the faith to continue. i've got it all in my pocket and the path is set for the walk. here we go. count your blessings, because in reality, it is small.

my heart

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

my limbs and my face will try to always remind you

while i hope you never lose sight of how big my heart has grown for you

i'm not going anywhere, i'll never leave your side

because anywhere else, no matter how tempting or temporarily beautiful

would leave me so much less happy

a half a year ago i discovered where i'm meant to stand

this place - here, with you is everything i've ever wanted

needed even, even if i didn't know it

i'm in love with everything thats unfolded in our joint-path

everything is perfect about you

fairy-tales do exist

because, look, we've found ourself in one

even if ours is untraditional

or completely predictable

its ours

nothing has ever been made so clear in my life, before

for once - no questions asked

this is just...right, and thats all there is to it

i'm happy, you make me so overwhelmingly happy

and you claim i keep you happy, too

i find it entirely, impossibly ridiculous to think it could end

so i'm calm

literally, darling, i've been calm for six months

i don't believe its ever lasted this long

theres always been something to fret over

but not anymore

well, in other issues, yes

but you're my most important train of thought

and in you - i have no worry, i have no doubts

i think of you and i'm flooded with light and a smile only you bring out in me

this is what real, true, genuine happiness feels like

you taught me

you taught me to love myself

you showed me how to accept myself

and value my existence on this pretty earth

i've said it before

you're my hero, darling, you've saved my life

you've brought me back to life

you were the angel sent here to complete me and comfort me

the person to give me back my crazy faith and hope and out-of-this-world dreams

i love you

every part of you is loved by me

i pray you never, ever forget it

you've grabbed onto my heart with both hands

and i've never been in such blessed, peaceful, meadow-like territory

i told you, i'm not going anywhere

my hearts too happy

i'd be insane to locate myself anywhere else

here is where i belong, my "home" of sorts

my sanctuary and my happiness

my heart is engulfed in goodness

and i like to think i do all of the above for you

so?

i keep you tucked inside my heart where my love is the strongest 

and i'll spend forever believing thats where we belong

i can do hard things

my brain is sore

because i've yet to locate the off-switch to my endless rope of thoughts

even the good ones overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion

oh, to be in someone else's mind for a day

what a vacation that would be

today the cool air on the mountains soothed me

they whispered secrets into my ears

reminding me its okay to be my borderline insane self

thats who i was created to be

flaw-filled, shy and dysfunctional

me

the past few days have been mentally taxing

but the mountains eased that weight

it was the one place i could release it all

alone with God's beautiful nature and my thoughts

i was consumed in myself

i dove into my chaotic, manic brain

and i did my best to sort things out

maybe it only helped temporarily

perhaps i'll regret certain thoughts tonight as i think

but in that moment, there

nothing was more perfect than the refreshment the fresh air brought

i was happy

i am happy

the wind reminded me how blessed i was

of course, my mind wandered back to the handsome face

and i felt that familiar smile creep up on me

so i smiled to myself, proudly

i'm proud of myself

thats a change for me - if you know me, you know how true that is

but i am

i'm gaining a confidence i lost years ago

a humble pride in my ability

i can do hard things

bumps in the road come

so i can enjoy the smooth path

trials make me stronger

God doesn't give sorrow i cannot handle

--i guess i'm capable of handling so much more than i believed i could

one thing is for certain

sitting there

on top of Utah's lovely mountains

i was reassured with a revelation i've been aching for

all is well

so what

things don't go how i decide to imagine they would in my mind

life goes on

even better - because thankfully i'm not in charge of that kind of fate

time is on my team and will do good things for me

love is on my side

happiness is in my palms and this time i'm grasping it

life is lovely 

bravery has found its home in me

this is just a fraction of my marvelous journey

and i'm the worlds most blessed individual

to be on the journey with the worlds very best

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

Change

If you could change everything about yourself, everything about your life, would you? 
How far is too far to be altered?
When did it become so unpopular to just be who you are? That special person God created you to be?
Why can't you be her? Why do you fight so hard to be anyone else?
You're good enough to be you. You're you for a reason.
If you could change everything about yourself...
I hope you wouldn't.