Dim

My light is dim. It was splattered with harsh waters and is struggling to regain its once familiar flare. Dim doesn't mean gone, though. Just...bruised. The worst is that I really don't know how to tell the soul who holds me how I feel. Bits and piece of toxic water leading up to this downfall. That's all it is. Then the way we turned our lights out in the night. It didn't feel right at all. You know those evenings that leave you with a sour taste in your mouth, poisoning your stomach? That is exactly how I feel now. I wish I could wake him up and tell him - be able to dissect myself in front of him so he knows every last detail. ..but like I said, my light is dim. My esteem is hidden and he sounds so peaceful when he sleeps. In that current would of his, I don't think he holds any frustrations I gave him before he kissed my forehead, turned away, and slept. So I can't pry his blue eyes open, tonight. Instead I'll lay here sleeplessly. Which is unfortunate considering that when I first went to bed I was exhausted and anxious for dreams and cuddles. But situations change, don't they. Oh, they do. I wonder, now.. Can you make problems arise out of nothing? Is it possible to be perfectly alright and have someone ask you enough if something is wrong -- that eventually something is? Perhaps that was tonight's title. It's all said and done though. He's sleeping. But if I had the courage to wake him, I would tell him I'm sorry. And the main reason for my lame shine is the constant fear of not being good enough - not living up to his wants, needs and desires. He'd never admit it. He'll never say I am below his expectations. But I'd tell him that's how I feel, sometimes. And he'd just have to accept the ache of a woman's heart. I'll be honest, though. I'm not so brave. So I will lay here several hours more until I sleep. And after I wake, I'll pray everything is okay. If its not, maybe I'll tell him. And then I'll put on that smile and it will become so real and the shine will ignite, again. Finally. 

girl.

my brow is growing old of its too familiar furrow. the aches are becoming somewhat of a habit and i think my physician would classify this as an unhealthy addiction of gray clouds and sweat pants. but what am i to do? it isn't like i can pull magic powers from the pocket across my loud stomach in my hoodie and change my very DNA. its unheard of, unfortunately. i'm only me. mortal as you - i can't change it. so i am finding my unstable smile and frown forced to deal with it. i believe they call it reality. living. whatever. it wouldn't be so difficult if i didn't have someone who cared more about myself that i do. (he is ever so wonderful). i almost hate watching him watch me as i writhe inside myself but paste a faulty smile on my pink lips. he knows. he sees right through any action that isn't me. he understands its part of me, but i can easily decipher him. deep in his big heart, he wishes he could take it from me. steal my burden and my cramping muscle. he wants me to be at peace. but thats only what magnificently happens in fairy-tales. like i said, this is reality. its real life. no fairy godmothers, here. what a drag. the worst part about it is as i waste away on this leather couch snuggled in turquoise heaven, my mood attacks his. he becomes as sallow as i am. his feet drag behind mine and his smiles become limited. all i can bear to think as i watch the dark gloom take him over is: thats my fault. all he deserves is to be happy and i've ridden him of his right. how dare i? so i furrow my brow, again. there should be a way to fix this. but i can't find it. maybe tomorrow evening i'll find the light ground and can mend my broken atmosphere.

Grassy Haven

I'm stuck in the middle. Trapped between being fair - being liked and doing what I feel is right - or what I want to be right. So how do you choose which side to take? Which field of grass do you jump into while you're teetering on top of the fence you find yourself on, so often? Which side do you justify? Which field is the right one? How do you find out - and be completely sure of - which choice is the one you should grasp? I just need some stability under my feet. A grassy haven, no more wooden splinters. So I keep on praying - my answer is due in the warmer months, anyway.

"Off"

Right now I just need to hurt - but I can't tell you why, exactly.
All I know is my heart is heavy right now and I want to cry then have you grab me and let me bury myself in your chest while you nurse me back to health.
Life has been absolutely brilliant, lately. So I guess that would make sense that I'd fall, finally.
But my wishful thinking allowed me to think that everything was going to stay so breezy and flawless.
Or at least a level I could handle.
I can't handle the level I'm at now.
Somehow I'll be saved.
Things will fall into place as usual. Right now, I'm just caught up in an ache in my heart I can't explain.
Nothing makes sense and I can't keep track of my thoughts.
I wish you could feel my insides and understand what I mean when I say I don't know why I'm "off".
Maybe then you'd get an idea of why I'm fragile and why I am so...different.
Am I really as different as I feel?
Hormones are unable to explain, it seems.
And here I am..I was really wishing writing out whatever this ache is would help.
But its still there just as strong.
Its time to sleep I guess. Then I can forget about this and let tomorrow take over.
Now if only sleeping were as easy as it is to speak about.
Goodnight, tonight.
Pray tomorrow sheds more light.

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

i need you to fix me, again, love

seeds of insecurity are easy to plant
bravery seeds are harder
and i falter almost every time
accepting the fact that right now
i'm insecure

all i need to feel better
bluntly

is you

until the end of forever

and lucky for me
(and hopefully you feel the same)

...forever has no end

This is Gross

Its like every fake thing was bottled up and now, let out, but for no reason. My mind can't keep up with the way my heart is racing - my emotions holding tight to the reigns. I want this to be over with so I can really enjoy things. No more of this half-hearted stuff. I want the weight off my chest, gone, and the hole in my thoughts, filled. But right now, thats too much to ask and not even the strongest doses of medication fix that. Its the price you pay, everyone tells me. I know that, but when the moments here, theres no logical thinking available. A pick-me-up would be nice, but I don't know if the usual would work, this time. Its like a stubbornness you can't shake. Eventually, hopefully even tomorrow, things will even out, again. The chemicals in my body will remember the peaceful way to navigate inside me. For now, I will just fight it. Or lay here on the couch. Probably the latter.

Spider Web Thoughts

I make myself laugh at how bipolar my insides are

Its like, sometimes..

I want everything I'm working against

There, of course, are the few certainties

Things I'll never, ever give up

But then there are the wandering ones

Spider web thoughts

Crawling through my veins

Up into my brain

Cycled to my heart

Lets face it, half the time I don't know what I want

I think I'm caught up in my age

Feeling old and mature

But in reality

I'm sure I'm still young and naive

I still need the help 

I can't decide if I like asking for

However

Wishing I was given real agency is still there

Sitting in the front of my mind

Someday it'll be noticed

Maybe even given

For now, I am in this odd cycle

The old and new spiders

Infecting me with all their possibilities

Good and bad

Happy and sad

You know the whole ordeal

The whole darned ordeal

But also, its amazing

If it wasn't already clear, allow me to tell you, now

I'm torn in what I am usually thinking

The pros and the cons always get me

Different sides seem fine

Each could be pleasing

I'll admit it..

I know the real answer

I'm just caught in the moment, now

Surely, I'm staying here

Still small and under a ruling thumb

But its where I've chosen to place myself

Actions of a lifetime led me here

Time to grasp it

Like I usually do

It was only a weird morning

Storm

Ah, I need to write. Maybe that will calm the tornado inside of my stomach before the hurricane of tears, that has been sitting right behind my eyes for a few days, now, overwhelms me. What makes this feeling worse is that I don't even know why I feel so small next to my emotion. What is wrong with me? I could easily suck it up to being female. Hormones, you know? But what if I feel like its something more than that? Its been a whisper in my mind a few days, but today it hit me like a rock. Something inside of me isn't settled like it should be. I can't place my finger on what it is. Well, I know I'm worried about something. That, I know. Why am I worried, though? I have a tremendous family, a loving boyfriend who means the world to me. I have good friends, again. I have shelter, safety and security. So what is it? Fine, I'll call it hormones.

Missing You

Oh my gosh, I miss you.

I really thought these few days without you wouldn't be so empty, but they are.

I'm naked without you, my other half is gone

The handsome man who is always by my side..isn't, tonight.

All I can let myself dwell on, to save myself from loneliness

Is the monumental amounts of fun you must be having with your brothers in one of your favorite locations.

Also, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder

And missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you that you love someone

I love you so much.

But, wow..I miss you, tonight.

Its an awkward feeling spending a Saturday night alone.

Its bizarre not having your arms wrapped round me while I lay on your chest

Talking, laughing and falling asleep..

I can't wait to see you, tomorrow.

Come home, safely, okay?

I love you, darling.

Able

I know how to do this. I shouldn't have to still take instruction on something I've securely managed. All you're doing at this point is planting seeds of false-worthy in my mind. Let it be. Let me live and learn. I am capable of doing something right - this right. Trust in me like you tell everyone else you do. I'm able. I've got it under control, safely in my heart.

You're Missed

So, I miss it. I miss the closeness we once had. The hours we'd spend together that most people would consider pointless--they were everything but that, right? I miss telling you every secret I need to tell. I miss seeing your car pull up in my driveway and seeing your blonde hair in curls waiting for me. I miss laughing deep into the night. I miss dancing. I miss solving problems together. I miss knowing everything about you and having your example heavy in my life. You were the girl I needed and I think I'd love you back. My best friend I miss.

Coming

I did it again, I think. But I'm one step closer to getting it right. One day, finally, I won't let you down. I won't disappoint or give you the urge to walk away from the bench. I'll say and do exactly as I should. I'm going to get it right, I just need your patience and for you to realize we come from different backgrounds, different homes. I'm trying but we know I'm timid. My past full of rockiness has created me to become this girl. But don't worry, the new Chelsea is on her way. Just understand that and be patient. She's a-commin'.

again

this is getting tiring. its the same thing i say to myself, daily, because i don't have the guts to say it to your face. please. please, let me have what is mine. let me have the honors of releasing news, first, that was my story to tell in the first place. you shouldn't ever have been the one i feel like i'm racing against, yet here we are. i'll be blunt. i hate it. 

trials attack

its hard, sometimes. when everything else is so perfect, my one kryptonite and evil temptation attacks. even when i am sure i'm strong enough to be strong enough. i falter more than i'd ever admit to someone besides my father in heaven. its an ache i can't medicate. a sorrow i've yet to learn to rid myself of. i want to be perfect just like everything else. why are hard things so easy to come by most of the time? the devil and his stupid grasp is stronger than me from time to time. but i know i cannot succumb to his power. its the stress that gets me. lately the bug inside of me is an overwhelming one. but its nothing i can't handle. after all, i'll never be given a trial i can't overcome, shove under the dirt and stand master over. watch me do it, because i will.

End This War

This shouldn't feel like a competition, this should feel light and magical. You're turning this to mud. Why can I not have this moment to myself? If it goes as I wish it to, you'll have it forever, too. Right now, though, its mine and I am doing my best to keep this beautiful thing for all eternity. If you're the one to ruin it or make it awkward or stand still my heart would shatter. Let me have my time, I beg you. I'm a big girl and I know how to do this by myself without your coaching and shoving. This is my moment, my thing and I'm trying so hard to be patient with the process but this is making it more difficult. Please see my point of view. Accept my position and my situation as I've tried so hard to do with you. You have yours. Let me catch mine. This is supposed to be my magical moment but it feels like a war.

Forget

We forget. We forget all the time.
Life is short and fragile and some people are dealt incredibly difficult hands.
Every moment is a gift
Only some people are really reminded of that.
Some people have to endure hell
And they are the ones who clearly realize how easy we have it
Too humble to scream it.
Here I am ungrateful for so much, always finding life to complain about
When in reality
I have the most fortunate life
I'm lucky, blessed, gifted and given an easy lot.
She hasn't been so lucky and I'm more blessed than ever
To know her
To smile at her
And to see her smile regardless of all the tragedy she's endured
Is still enduring.
We forget. I forget all the time.
But goals are changing me - never forget, please.

Progress?

I feel like sometimes all I am is one big disappointment. It’s embarrassing and awkward to come by. It isn’t natural to approach people with this problem, either, so I bottle it up and let the liquids fill until I burst within the solitary comfort of my room. But it doesn’t feel comforting at all. It’s never been easy for me to open the front door and allow another pair of ears to hear the cries from my lips and the worries on my mind. I’m sheltered because I created myself this way. I carefully crafted myself to be dependent on myself but honestly, its never worked. I needed someone every step of the way. It was always only wishful thinking up until recently. Even now, I know there is that soul that wants me to be open up completely, but its still new, scary territory. I’m trying so hard to break down my walls stuck together with stubborn behavior and selfish shyness. A work in progress is never really done. But it progresses, or so I'm told.

crash

again.

i was sure this was done - water under the bridge.

but here i am

i'm looking back in that same mirror.

the last place i wanted to be.

that person will never know how much those words

no matter how lace-coated 

affect me and pierce my heart when they're harsh.

its like years of striving for approval

crash.

i'm sorry i'm imperfect. 

i'm sorry i'm not living up to the standard.

i apologize for being a lesser version of myself.

i'll try harder

i won't stop until i know you're proud.

a little broken

help

i'm trying so hard

striving 

to be good at this

all i want is to feel the way everyone else seems to

or fakes

like i do

either way, i want it

the real version

i don't want to be insecure, anymore

i don't want to always second guess myself

i want to be confident

and comfortable

in myself

in me

who i am

not in who i could be

or who i wish i was

just me

but its so much easier said than done

there's always the voice in my head

the one telling me i'm not good enough

i'm not pretty enough, i'm not smart enough

i'm not worth the fight

i constantly find myself wishing the white voice within me spoke louder

the angelic voice that says i'm perfect

i'm worth it

i'm capable

i'm beautiful, smart and plenty good for anything

i'm me and thats a blessing

i know its all true

i always have

but its easy to forget when you're me, i guess

i wish doubt left me

i could abandon fear

i wish i was confident as i pretend to be

because deep down i'm scared and i'm easily shaken and shattered

i guess this is me asking for help

your help

with you, this is the closest i've come to really being happy

well, i've always been happy

but happy in that i'm comfortable in my own pale, imperfect skin

somehow you speak to my mind and fill me with compliments

in your eyes i'm good enough

i'm the girl i'm longing to see
the girl in the mirror i can never focus on

you're helping me find that its reality

i admire that in you

among everything else

i wish i was brave enough

putting my pride aside

to ask you to help me

to open up to you completely and tell you i need help

i need help

i'm struggling and i'm a little broken

i want your touch, your hug and your smile

your perfect, flawless words

your strength in me that takes me bright places

your heart

i know who i am and i love her

but sometimes i lose sight of why

i need help getting back on my feet and keeping my chin up

i need help

your help