thick liner and pressed flowers

i feel as if i should go back to what i consider my "roots" when it comes to spilling my soul onto pages or spilling it through scattered, frantic fingertips. i've strayed too far. tried too hard to conform. that has never been my style, just inquire of my educators as i grew up. i'll be me, thanks. old pictures. forced visions. description in a way i call just. the style i so desire - the things that i love. only a new chapter. time away has altered only small pieces. insignificant to you, greatly important to me. you know, the kind of writing that reminds you of classic red lipstick, thick black liner, pressed flowers and old, dusted novels. the comfort-food lyrical words. me.

writing has become difficult, lately. i don't know why - there just aren't words to accurately explain every detail of every emotion i'm experiencing. i don't know if i want to reveal those shadows, anyway. perhaps this is a blessing. who knows. this is writers block, i'll bet. and here i am..writing, still.

at least i am sure of some things. i know that when his arms are wrapped around me - i am home. the happiest i've ever been. i know that his eyes are a sanctuary, my place of refuge and comfort. i know that my family will always be there to back me up and hold me. i know that life is changing in a few months, but its part of a lovely, eternal plan. i know things will be different and i'll be worried and stressed out - but i have the support of phenomenal people who will help me in this transition. i know that i am so, so in love and its a mutual feeling. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and the luckiest girl on earth.

thats more than enough.

learning how life plays out

i have new friends now. thanks to him, i've got the best ones imaginable and i've found the very best, closest friend in him. if you're going to spend forever with someone it should be that way, really. but i'll admit, sometimes i wish i didn't have to lose my old friends. because thats what happened. i lost them. and i learned forgiveness doesn't make things go back to how they once were. it doesn't fix everything and erase bad days. the clock keeps ticking and life doesn't pause long enough to pretend the past never happened. its bittersweet to see the photographs. those lovely girls smiling, looking beautiful as always. i'm happy to see them happy and still so close, but theres always the piece of me remembering when i used to be in the shot, too. funny how things change like that. but like i said, i have new friends - the best of the best, really. i wouldn't trade them for diamonds. but wouldn't it be sweet if i'd only have gained friends and not lost a single one?

Change of Mind

I am comfortable with the thoughts, now. Ready, even. Or I will be, at least. I'm not ready, yet. Everything is falling into place and my heart isn't so insecure, anymore. Its...eager. I never thought I'd say that. Like you said, I'll have you - so its okay. I'm not worried. I'm not as awkward as I once created myself to feel. The storm settled over the clouds above this and I'm peaceful with whats to come. Patience is the game, again. For this, I won't complain. Yet, I suppose. But you should know you fixed my worries in that state of mind. We'll be fine, of course. Just like you said. You don't know how much those talks meant, dear. Is it selfish to admit I hope more will come? I do. The nerves still remain - they always will until the fears are faced, but besides that (normal) train of thought, you'll find me becoming more and more comfortable.

You do amazing things to my heart, mind and soul.

Always

I guess I've always needed someone to knock some sense into me, gently or bluntly, as long as they always hold my hand in the end. I've needed a savior to point out what I'm too blind to see, then hug me tight when I've seen my foolish ways. I've always longed for you, a sweet hearted soul to be my better half and help me achieve my highest, greatest potential and kiss my lips in that knee-buckling moment to remind me you're here for me. I have always wished for you, someone to believe in me, break me out and remind me that I am perfectly fine to be myself-no one else can do it better, then lay your forehead on mine and look into my eyes.

Still Little

I guess we never really do grow up
After all, each day we're one day older and yesterday we were just young and stupid
Emotions still overcome us
Happy endings and sad tales make us cry
Mommy and daddy always save the day
And there will always be the feeling of being small and incapable
And strong and unstoppable
Someone's always bigger and better
There will always be the person who holds your hand and says you can do anything
You'll never really want to be alone
The world will always be big and your dreams even bigger even when they change
Home is where you'll always long to be, under a roof with the people who love you most
I guess we never really do grow up

Good morning, May. I'll admit, I've been anxious for you. There is something about you that has had me captivated for weeks, now. Perhaps its the happiest place on earth that awaits me at the end of your days, or maybe its the simple fact that it will be another thirty-one days spent with the most beautiful man earth has to offer that I'm blessed enough to call mine. Spring is good, too, and thats where your sweet-scented days fall. I'm eagerly awaiting the warm nights and big, friendly stars you'll graciously offer me, as well. Oh, you lovely month, I think I'd even go as far to say I've missed you. May, you know we've had a few bad rounds in the past years, but you're on my side this year, aren't you? I know you are. You're lovely and I'm so happy to welcome you back. Good morning, dear May, may the smiles await.

Impatient Skin and Bone

I can't breathe, lately. Honestly. My chest is heavy with weight and thought. I'm overwhelmed with thought--consumed inside my own manic world where all I do is over think things that surely don't require this much wrestling within me. But thats me. Always. I have everything on my mind and wish so crazily that I had a way to solve every problem not only with me, but with the world. Sometimes imperfection, even when I make no attempt to fix it, kills me. Oh, me. It usually comes back to one thing. Patience. That will be my lifelong struggle, definitely. I want what I want and I want it, now. Especially lately. See, there are moments coming up, I think...its not just me, everyone thinks so and there have been signs and actions confirming my suspicions. That is when my lack of patience begins to boil inside me. Its sort of awful, sometimes. I wish I could take it slow and be one of the people who truly are fine with the fact that things happen when they're meant to. That mentality is great and all, but why not now? Now sounds good, doesn't it? Really, though. This moment that I hope, I really, really hope is on its way, is huge. I want it. Sure, I'm not ready but they say you're never ready for this. So bring it on, you know? On top of those little white hints and the anxiety of forever, I feel worthless, occasionally. I don't do much. Education is lazy right now and I don't make a cent. Change is on its way in that department but it freaks me out. Nobody wants someone with my "work" history and getting shot down so often eventually does something to your confidence. I suppose I should work on being one of those overly-optimistic people. They're so cool. Luckily the summer stars are coming back. They've always been my closest friends. They know my heart better than any human, I think. I need a break. A breather. A moment away from commotion and uncertainty. I need a solid answer if forevers on its way and I need confirmation I'll eventually make something out of my life. I've always known my calling as a mother would be the real destination, but until then I want to stop being wasted skin and bone on earth. Time for change to prepare for change, it'd seem. Wouldn't it? 

i really hope

how was i supposed to ever know that life could get so perfect? before you there was no way i could ever tell. thank heavens for you. i am so head over heels in this for you, love. i'd convinced myself i was a nobody but you saw i was a somebody and you don't let me forget that. you're perfect, i swear. is it too forward to say i hope i never lose you? because there is nothing more truthful than that statement, right there. you are my savior, hero and best friend and you entered the scene when i needed you most, when i was splattered at rock bottom you held my hand and motivated me to stand, again, promising you'd help me stay upright. and you keep your promises, i see it in your charming eyes. you're unlike everyone else. you're honest, respectful and a gentleman to defeat everyone else who claims they're so chivalrous and fabulous. somehow i managed to make you mine, to top it all off. yeah, its true, i hope i never lose you. i have been beaten and bruised and full of insecurity but you my handsome one have knocked the tragedies right out of mind - the place they've dwelt for far too long. how can i ever make it up to you? i really hope i never lose you.

Because of You

I've never found myself happier

Last night you made me feel the best I've ever felt

The confidence I've been filled with since those moments

Is astounding and has left a permanent smile on my face

You know what I've struggled with for years

And those words and actions last night

Have made those worries disappear

I'm happy with me and with who I am

And what I look like

You're magical

You're the one

You're my hero

Thanks to you

There is finally a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel

You're the sunshine I couldn't find on my own

"One hell of a support group"
We both know how easy it is for me to fall back into it
But even if I do
I know I've got you to save me

Because of you, I can

Forget

We forget. We forget all the time.
Life is short and fragile and some people are dealt incredibly difficult hands.
Every moment is a gift
Only some people are really reminded of that.
Some people have to endure hell
And they are the ones who clearly realize how easy we have it
Too humble to scream it.
Here I am ungrateful for so much, always finding life to complain about
When in reality
I have the most fortunate life
I'm lucky, blessed, gifted and given an easy lot.
She hasn't been so lucky and I'm more blessed than ever
To know her
To smile at her
And to see her smile regardless of all the tragedy she's endured
Is still enduring.
We forget. I forget all the time.
But goals are changing me - never forget, please.

One Long Year Later

It became all too easy to doubt myself. Giving up became a habit and although I wasn't proud of it, I accepted that it had become a part of who I am. Was. Was. Its incredible how one person can grab hold of your wrist, all the while claiming they're gentle and will take care of you, let nothing happen to you. The grab is turning sore but they've scared you into believing what they say through their clenched jaw and angry eyes. Underneath their flowery lies, you find they're cruel, rough and they inflict the harm upon you they swore they'd never let touch you. A betrayal you never imagined could come from someone you were so sure was the one. 
One year later and I've safely, finally escaped the hell-hole. My hazel, proud eyes are opened to what I endured and the blessings have become abundant in successfully letting go of that past. Hard but necessary. A little battered, bruised and sore, I've emerged and am holding on with all the grip I have to the new life I've discovered, almost handed to me on a silver platter. Better than anything else, is I have my voice back and a man who will listen to it without telling me what to say or how to feel. All the sudden those years of ache are behind me, the pain is invisible and all I can wrap my mind around anymore is the beauty in the life I'm living. 

Ready To Go

Its cold outside and the snowflakes sleeping on the ground remind me of last Christmas. I didn't feel well but I was comfortable in that situation, in that body. Things were hazy but life was easy then. Little did I know my life would change completely in that next month. Everything I had my bets placed on fell to pieces. Hearts I trusted dropped my sanity. Friends I called the best broke their promises. People I thought I knew showed they had multiple faces. I lost everything I swore I needed. I messed up. I faltered. I was nothing because everyone else made me feel as if that were the truth. As the months kept passing, injuries would heal but swiftly were replaced by new heart attacks. It wasn't easy. July brought promise but that turned into dust. September was the breaking point.
Then November came around.
It was expected to be miserable like everything else. I'd learned not to place high hopes in coming days and this was no different.

Its funny and magical how your eyes can meet a pair of pretty eyes and next thing you know, your whole world is changed for the better. In the instances you find yourself in with a soul yours matches with, perfectly, your messy past makes sense because it brought you to this moment in time. Somehow your flaws and your insecurities shrivel up and don't matter because others judgments don't exist when you're with those pretty eyes. All that matters is the two of you.

Life never got easier. I just got stronger and found a lovely hand to hold that makes promises it keeps. The light at the end of the tunnel I could never find is mine, now, and things can only go up from here. Rock bottom is the best place to build a firm foundation. Here I am, ready to do this. Ready to go.