my younger self

i've been looking for you
in every positive corner
my younger self
thought you'd be here by now.
nothing has been official
notifications haven't discussed
but i've always been fond
of surprises.
and my younger self
thought you'd come.
every line in this house
makes me desperately need you
and i bend and break
when you're lost
as you've always been.
waits are worth it.
waits are worth it.
but waits are agonizing
and fill me with doubt and fear.
the very opposite of you.
i know you're looking, too
maybe you are looking harder
but plans don't always align
how the two of us wish they would.
linked through stars
and wishes, hopes and dreams.
until then, thats how we'll connect.
if only you could enlighten me with 'when'
then maybe my heart would beat slower
and my eyes wouldn't be so weary
from the never ending search.
but you can't.
i can't find you. i can't hear you. i can't feel you.
so i'll search until i can.
my younger self and my current self
still believe in you.

euphoria

cloud nine

its never been so beautiful

airy and blissful

each lemony day has been lace filled

and every moment creates an aesthetic euphoria 

happiness was never explained to me like this

no one ever said

that even the bad days

would be beautiful

in comparison to older days

what pure beauty you've given my soul

its the lovey dovey ooey gooey chick flick love

but multiply that by infinity

and sugar coat it even more than i did

the most wonderful thing in life

is this

you for me

you in this world

you loving me

you

the cloud above bliss

my heart is full
(its something i try to quit
and i'm not ever sure why
because its what i love
but here i am
again)
and as i said before
my heart is full
i always wished
for something beautiful
but i never imagined
it'd be this beautiful
darling, did you know
you've fixed every broken piece
you have lifted my soul
my heart you have filled
i have confidence
i only once dreamed of
you put the puzzle pieces together
and created a lacy heaven
for me
i am on the highest cloud
floating over pure bliss and joy
you are mine
nothing else matters so much
eternity with a man
better than my dreams created
eternity with my man
you, craig
my heart is full
because you filled it
with all its ever needed

here comes the spill

tonight
i am everything i didn't want to be.
anxious. nervous. a wreck. frantic. worried. {very} heavy hearted. sick to my stomach. fearful. weak. anxious. anxious. anxious.
the word 'fail' is all it took to send me into the occasional downward spiral. i am at a loss for words and eager to relearn what my kind of hope is. oh, how i need it. need. i really do.
but today - this afternoon - why can i not keep that calm inside my heart that now is racing and begging my brain to go to sleep so it can stop feeling.
this afternoon was just perfect there in that holy room where holy people are -- all after one thing. getting better. trying to be perfect. pleasing God and forgetting man.
in that moment, i did all of that. with tears in my eyes and a heart near bursting with joy and confidence.

where did it go? why am i here in my robe, sitting on the floor...miserable?
i want to do good. i want to prove to myself what i can do. no more failure. no more embarrassment. no more 'what if's' and 'should have's'. no. hopefully next time.. monday will be full of 'hoorays' and 'i did its'. oh, wouldn't that be icing on the cake?
anxious

anxious


anixous...

its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

It nearly killed me, but I had the dream last night.
Somehow my brain decided I was strong enough and it conjured up the images I was so sure would happen. Two happy people taking on forever, together. ...but only in my dreams. Because real life changes. It changes in the most unexpected, awful ways, I've learned. Its so beyond my comprehension the way their love story ended. When it ended initially - years ago, it was tragic, but I never knew it would end on this mortal world the way it did. I guess if I look at it in an eternal perspective - everyone is happy. Everyone has ended up in a beautiful place. One place was chosen, the other place was unexpectedly made home. But I am still left to wonder how things could have changed if a life wasn't cut so short. Reminding myself again it was the plan, all is well. Or it will be.

The Angle of Perfection

You

You are every single form and angle of perfect. Perfect for me, of course. As we lay in bed and your strong hand rests on my thigh, your fingers curling gently around its bends, I am in the most brilliant state of happiness. It's light like people don't know yet how to explain. I should suppose a feeling such as this will never be adequately described. I am in awe of this mist of absolute perfection resting on our chests - rising and falling with sleepy breathing. 

Oh, I love you. Of course, this you know. But I so do. And these quiet moments of silence nothingness and twitching fingers are some of my favorite memories I'll keep forever. I like to believe that when we are old one day, I'll still recall this very heaven right here. As I lay quietly, hoping the dim light of my phone doesn't wake you, I find myself, as I always do, entranced by your heavy breathing. It is melodic, soothing and something I've become so accustomed to. It's what I fall asleep to, it's my sanctuary. My assurance that tonight's rest is safe -- because you are right beside me -- with your hand on my thigh.