here comes the spill

tonight
i am everything i didn't want to be.
anxious. nervous. a wreck. frantic. worried. {very} heavy hearted. sick to my stomach. fearful. weak. anxious. anxious. anxious.
the word 'fail' is all it took to send me into the occasional downward spiral. i am at a loss for words and eager to relearn what my kind of hope is. oh, how i need it. need. i really do.
but today - this afternoon - why can i not keep that calm inside my heart that now is racing and begging my brain to go to sleep so it can stop feeling.
this afternoon was just perfect there in that holy room where holy people are -- all after one thing. getting better. trying to be perfect. pleasing God and forgetting man.
in that moment, i did all of that. with tears in my eyes and a heart near bursting with joy and confidence.

where did it go? why am i here in my robe, sitting on the floor...miserable?
i want to do good. i want to prove to myself what i can do. no more failure. no more embarrassment. no more 'what if's' and 'should have's'. no. hopefully next time.. monday will be full of 'hoorays' and 'i did its'. oh, wouldn't that be icing on the cake?
anxious

anxious


anixous...

its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

It nearly killed me, but I had the dream last night.
Somehow my brain decided I was strong enough and it conjured up the images I was so sure would happen. Two happy people taking on forever, together. ...but only in my dreams. Because real life changes. It changes in the most unexpected, awful ways, I've learned. Its so beyond my comprehension the way their love story ended. When it ended initially - years ago, it was tragic, but I never knew it would end on this mortal world the way it did. I guess if I look at it in an eternal perspective - everyone is happy. Everyone has ended up in a beautiful place. One place was chosen, the other place was unexpectedly made home. But I am still left to wonder how things could have changed if a life wasn't cut so short. Reminding myself again it was the plan, all is well. Or it will be.

The Angle of Perfection

You

You are every single form and angle of perfect. Perfect for me, of course. As we lay in bed and your strong hand rests on my thigh, your fingers curling gently around its bends, I am in the most brilliant state of happiness. It's light like people don't know yet how to explain. I should suppose a feeling such as this will never be adequately described. I am in awe of this mist of absolute perfection resting on our chests - rising and falling with sleepy breathing. 

Oh, I love you. Of course, this you know. But I so do. And these quiet moments of silence nothingness and twitching fingers are some of my favorite memories I'll keep forever. I like to believe that when we are old one day, I'll still recall this very heaven right here. As I lay quietly, hoping the dim light of my phone doesn't wake you, I find myself, as I always do, entranced by your heavy breathing. It is melodic, soothing and something I've become so accustomed to. It's what I fall asleep to, it's my sanctuary. My assurance that tonight's rest is safe -- because you are right beside me -- with your hand on my thigh. 

bad marks

it was a sunny, beautiful day full of anxiety and deep breaths that ended abruptly with angry storm clouds - each rain drop a small dagger piercing my once confident heart. with every piece of me, i believed in myself. my personal pep-talks were uplifting and i felt a calm of great proportions. so failure was the last thing i expected. how easily it would be to blame the people around me. i could play the victim. but i'm trying to be some kind of hero. to anyone, even if its not me. it put me in the strangest place. the sharp stings of not being good enough is something i haven't had for so long. i'd almost become accustomed and proud of myself for that achievement. and here i am, now. broken and in the end, a failure.

tomorrow is too similar. my wounds are still fresh and aching. somehow i have to find a way to be strong and upbeat again by the morning. how, though? the confidence i'd built so carefully is dashed. i feel small and quiet. i don't want to test myself, again. i don't want to risk hearing devastation crash through my brain, again. i don't want the feeling of guilt to double in pain because i messed up, again. i don't want to be a sore loser - but i'm tired of being sore.

i'm scared. i'm cautious and the anxiety has tripled and my confidence has hidden itself too well for me to locate. i'm broken down to hope, prayers and tears. i hope those can get me through. i'm trying to act tough for everyone. i'm trying to play it cool without too much sorrow. but right now, only right now, i'll let myself hurt.

my little firefly

hello, again.
you beautiful, tempting little reoccurring thought that keeps me up all night and distant all day. i adore the days you visit me so heavily, but i dread them just as much. you are just so perfect. every angle of your idea fills me with a matronly happiness. but the timing. thats what i cannot figure out just yet.

little firefly. all i can tell you as you settle your lips inside my ears -- someday. of course your invitation of pink powder and blue-lit dreams is accepted. stay with me, push my legs long enough and of course you'll find your way here. and as we both know, i'm not the only one who needs a little shove in the brain. my heart is so big. you're already settled in, i know. i hope you're happy there....until someday.

good morning kisses

droplets of sunshine were spilling effortlessly through the blinds in our basement apartment
my hazy eyes were so far from ready for the day that called me
i silently watched you with a hint of a goofy, sleepy smile on my face
you left the door open a crack as you got ready for the morning
i gazed at your silhouette, totally captivated like i've always been
you came back into our chilled bedroom before you left
big, glossy blue eyes fixing on the target
leaning over and kissing my cheek
the perfect assurance that today would be worth waking up to
and the silent white butterflies haven't left my heart since