luck.

I woke this morning with a pounding in my head. I was full of hope. But deep down I knew it wasn't today. 

Its nice to have someone to complain to, who listens and has bright solutions. Its cheerful.

I'm sure that situation was proof for what I've begged for. There are some pretty powerful forces in this world.

So in conclusion, a day that could have fallen to crumbs became a candle. Bright and warm because of words held in my fingers.

I've got all the luck in the world. 

Look Up

I look up to you and I don't think you understand just how much. The disappointment you have in me, the frustrations you hold in your eyes when you look at me kill me. Its a feeling I can't even describe. I wish you'd understand. I care. Probably too much. But that is me, its who I am and I've tried and failed too many times to change it to keep pursuing that goal. Just embrace it, please. I really wish you would. I know you try to help, I see that and I understand it, but when I feel too much emotion I get overwhelmed and act out. We both can work on how we handle these moments. I'm trying to become myself, become independent but still stay true to my little-girl roots. I've said it before, its difficult to explain. I wish you could experiment with my heart in your palms, then you'd know. But since that wish is impossible, just try and understand. I will do the same. More than anything, I wish you knew just how much I look up to you. How much I try..

Touches

You don't even know...

That thing you do, it sends my head spinning. My heart beats faster and I can't control my smile.

Its that one action.

That movement. That touch.

The feel.

Fingers on my finger.

I don't know how you do it.

I'll never understand how you know exactly what to say at exactly the right moment.

As cliche as it sounds, it couldn't be more true.

Its beautiful. This is beautiful, don't you agree?

Those bells are ringing in my ears. This time they're real.

That usual doubt that haunts me hasn't found me with you.

Its like even fear knows this is good.

And then my mind wanders back to that action.

You're some sort of perfect.

This is every kind of perfection.

I love this.

foggy

sleepless. again.

tired, foggy eyes, bored of this same room.

this is getting old.

others who fall into a slumber the moment their heads hit their pillows...

they're the lucky ones.

insomnia: a slow killer. 

a road to insanity.

one day i'll sleep. one day.

i keep telling myself that.

I am

Empowered

Because I've fought through a broken heart.

Strong

Because I learned how to be independent and rely on myself.

Loved

Because God has blessed me with the most incredible family and friends.

Beautiful

Because the people I associate myself with have shown me my inner light.

Tough 

Because I've figured out how to make my voice heard.

Imperfect

Because no one is perfect, here, and I'm embracing it.

Humble

Because I was once proud and was stricken down to nothing at all.

Faithful

Because after much trial and error, I see God is the only path follow.

Open-Minded

Because someone is always there to help me learn and grow.

Righteous

Because I have standards that cause me to be righteous to my Heavenly Father.

Happy

Because my life is a chaotic, crazy mess full of beauty, light, energy, blessings and opportunities.

Ready To Go

Its cold outside and the snowflakes sleeping on the ground remind me of last Christmas. I didn't feel well but I was comfortable in that situation, in that body. Things were hazy but life was easy then. Little did I know my life would change completely in that next month. Everything I had my bets placed on fell to pieces. Hearts I trusted dropped my sanity. Friends I called the best broke their promises. People I thought I knew showed they had multiple faces. I lost everything I swore I needed. I messed up. I faltered. I was nothing because everyone else made me feel as if that were the truth. As the months kept passing, injuries would heal but swiftly were replaced by new heart attacks. It wasn't easy. July brought promise but that turned into dust. September was the breaking point.
Then November came around.
It was expected to be miserable like everything else. I'd learned not to place high hopes in coming days and this was no different.

Its funny and magical how your eyes can meet a pair of pretty eyes and next thing you know, your whole world is changed for the better. In the instances you find yourself in with a soul yours matches with, perfectly, your messy past makes sense because it brought you to this moment in time. Somehow your flaws and your insecurities shrivel up and don't matter because others judgments don't exist when you're with those pretty eyes. All that matters is the two of you.

Life never got easier. I just got stronger and found a lovely hand to hold that makes promises it keeps. The light at the end of the tunnel I could never find is mine, now, and things can only go up from here. Rock bottom is the best place to build a firm foundation. Here I am, ready to do this. Ready to go.

laugh lines

Your laugh lines. The way your face wrinkles into that pretty masterpiece. I can't help but grin. Your confidence. I want to be just like you. That head on your shoulders, strong and proud but so perfectly humble. Your hands. I'm protected inside of them. I like how it feels to feel your fingers touch and I never want to let a graze pass me by. Your voice. Its the melody I fall asleep to. The tone I fall for every time. The way your chest vibrates when you speak to me while I lay beside you. Your hair. If you only knew the number of times a day I tell my mom how much I love it. Its you, fits you perfectly. Your family. I've never felt so welcome inside a home. No judgement and no fragile pieces to avoid, just smiles and laughs. Its wonderful. Your smell. Its become a craving. When that scent is in my lungs I know I'm in a good place. A place I surely want to be. Your eyes. They're the magical eyes people read about in fairy-tales and this time I get them in reality. They sparkle and melt me. You. I love everything about you. I didn't know someone could be so intricately perfect. But you are just that. You. You raise me up and make me better. You've taught me lessons no one else could. You've shown me a brighter side to all this. You. You make me smile. You make me happy. You make me warm. You.