it might stop

if i pretend like it doesn't hurt, then maybe it won't

maybe it will stop

i'll be comfortably numb

with feelings and the nagging want

but i won't hurt

i won't cry

i won't fall apart

maybe if i smile through it enough i'll smile for real

i'll be okay

perhaps some saving grace

will scoop my heart up

and calm it down so i no longer ache

maybe

but i'll never stop wanting it

i'll never quit praying

which unfortunately

means it won't stop hurting

if only the hurt

eventually paid off

fingers crossed

still

forever and always

maybe next time

it felt so close. but i guess it wasn't mine, again, this time.
maybe next time. but how many times have i said that?
my heart is more broken than its been before.
i wanted it so bad. i believed it completely. i had it.
there are other plans for me.
and my time will come in a better time.
patience has never been my game, but its time to learn it.
these things always work out for a reason, you know?
i just hope these brilliant wishes come true soon.
its all i've wanted and its what i need.
it will happen. i still believe in that.
for now...
my faith and trust is in grander hands - and my love and i are blessed beyond blessed.

learning to find my need

inside these friendly corners i have found true happiness and i have been learning - but not yet taught - a valuably lesson in patience. patience for me. so many things i want, only some things i need. and as these lessons have hit me from every angle with every tactic, i've found that i have everything i need but that one blessing. the things i want.. i have less than half. but compared to my last need, what good are the wants, anyway? i've been learning to prioritize in the grandest, sometimes painful ways. but finally, somehow i convinced my way into working - really working towards this last need. and because of this opportunity i'm only filled with more happiness. a happiness that i'm working on making the purest kind of joy.

my younger self

i've been looking for you
in every positive corner
my younger self
thought you'd be here by now.
nothing has been official
notifications haven't discussed
but i've always been fond
of surprises.
and my younger self
thought you'd come.
every line in this house
makes me desperately need you
and i bend and break
when you're lost
as you've always been.
waits are worth it.
waits are worth it.
but waits are agonizing
and fill me with doubt and fear.
the very opposite of you.
i know you're looking, too
maybe you are looking harder
but plans don't always align
how the two of us wish they would.
linked through stars
and wishes, hopes and dreams.
until then, thats how we'll connect.
if only you could enlighten me with 'when'
then maybe my heart would beat slower
and my eyes wouldn't be so weary
from the never ending search.
but you can't.
i can't find you. i can't hear you. i can't feel you.
so i'll search until i can.
my younger self and my current self
still believe in you.

euphoria

cloud nine

its never been so beautiful

airy and blissful

each lemony day has been lace filled

and every moment creates an aesthetic euphoria 

happiness was never explained to me like this

no one ever said

that even the bad days

would be beautiful

in comparison to older days

what pure beauty you've given my soul

its the lovey dovey ooey gooey chick flick love

but multiply that by infinity

and sugar coat it even more than i did

the most wonderful thing in life

is this

you for me

you in this world

you loving me

you

the cloud above bliss

my heart is full
(its something i try to quit
and i'm not ever sure why
because its what i love
but here i am
again)
and as i said before
my heart is full
i always wished
for something beautiful
but i never imagined
it'd be this beautiful
darling, did you know
you've fixed every broken piece
you have lifted my soul
my heart you have filled
i have confidence
i only once dreamed of
you put the puzzle pieces together
and created a lacy heaven
for me
i am on the highest cloud
floating over pure bliss and joy
you are mine
nothing else matters so much
eternity with a man
better than my dreams created
eternity with my man
you, craig
my heart is full
because you filled it
with all its ever needed

here comes the spill

tonight
i am everything i didn't want to be.
anxious. nervous. a wreck. frantic. worried. {very} heavy hearted. sick to my stomach. fearful. weak. anxious. anxious. anxious.
the word 'fail' is all it took to send me into the occasional downward spiral. i am at a loss for words and eager to relearn what my kind of hope is. oh, how i need it. need. i really do.
but today - this afternoon - why can i not keep that calm inside my heart that now is racing and begging my brain to go to sleep so it can stop feeling.
this afternoon was just perfect there in that holy room where holy people are -- all after one thing. getting better. trying to be perfect. pleasing God and forgetting man.
in that moment, i did all of that. with tears in my eyes and a heart near bursting with joy and confidence.

where did it go? why am i here in my robe, sitting on the floor...miserable?
i want to do good. i want to prove to myself what i can do. no more failure. no more embarrassment. no more 'what if's' and 'should have's'. no. hopefully next time.. monday will be full of 'hoorays' and 'i did its'. oh, wouldn't that be icing on the cake?
anxious

anxious


anixous...

its been a long time since i have rambled about the deepest parts of my heart

i would believe it to be true - that life really isn't meant to be understood.
after all, i hardly understand a fraction of what this all is.
its like no matter the effort i put in or the tries i attempt at becoming superior and knowing all of it are predestined to fail with a neon sign announces my demise. yet how is it so terrible when your heart reminds your brain that God planned it to be that way.
so i sit and i wait for that 'someday' to come along when things do make sense.
when i look back and realize exactly why things happened the way they did. when i understand - or better understand - why i have to be patient for this thing. this beautiful thing that my long, pale fingers just can't grasp yet, despite the reaching i've done for this entire year.
if you knew the situation, you'd ask me the same question i ask myself at night. "why not just ask?" but you see, i have. and it ended in an awkward sleep and glossy eyeballs. in that moment it was a lose-lose for us. for me.
someday i'll call it a brilliantly lit win, though. i promise you that.
because i just know what my calling is and its that.

as i'm sitting here on this leather couch, i keep pondering things, still.
like why?
why do i feel this way? how come the last few days have felt so rainy and isolated? my body isn't sure how to cope with the strains i'm tugging upon my shaky shoulders. i'm at a loss - but in this, only. because every other aspect is silver-lined, sparkly and full of promise and excitement. you can thank the Mr. for everything good, you know. oh, he is so good.
but i still long for a day when i wake up with a bluebird chirp in my ear and a fresh, new smile on my face. that day when my eyes are clear and my heart is open and my mind is ready. ready for everything it'll take on that day. that month. that year. forever.
its all bound to happen.
because if i've learned one thing over my years of life... its that miracles surely do happen.
all the time.

and i know there are plenty in my golden horizon.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

It nearly killed me, but I had the dream last night.
Somehow my brain decided I was strong enough and it conjured up the images I was so sure would happen. Two happy people taking on forever, together. ...but only in my dreams. Because real life changes. It changes in the most unexpected, awful ways, I've learned. Its so beyond my comprehension the way their love story ended. When it ended initially - years ago, it was tragic, but I never knew it would end on this mortal world the way it did. I guess if I look at it in an eternal perspective - everyone is happy. Everyone has ended up in a beautiful place. One place was chosen, the other place was unexpectedly made home. But I am still left to wonder how things could have changed if a life wasn't cut so short. Reminding myself again it was the plan, all is well. Or it will be.

The Angle of Perfection

You

You are every single form and angle of perfect. Perfect for me, of course. As we lay in bed and your strong hand rests on my thigh, your fingers curling gently around its bends, I am in the most brilliant state of happiness. It's light like people don't know yet how to explain. I should suppose a feeling such as this will never be adequately described. I am in awe of this mist of absolute perfection resting on our chests - rising and falling with sleepy breathing. 

Oh, I love you. Of course, this you know. But I so do. And these quiet moments of silence nothingness and twitching fingers are some of my favorite memories I'll keep forever. I like to believe that when we are old one day, I'll still recall this very heaven right here. As I lay quietly, hoping the dim light of my phone doesn't wake you, I find myself, as I always do, entranced by your heavy breathing. It is melodic, soothing and something I've become so accustomed to. It's what I fall asleep to, it's my sanctuary. My assurance that tonight's rest is safe -- because you are right beside me -- with your hand on my thigh. 

bad marks

it was a sunny, beautiful day full of anxiety and deep breaths that ended abruptly with angry storm clouds - each rain drop a small dagger piercing my once confident heart. with every piece of me, i believed in myself. my personal pep-talks were uplifting and i felt a calm of great proportions. so failure was the last thing i expected. how easily it would be to blame the people around me. i could play the victim. but i'm trying to be some kind of hero. to anyone, even if its not me. it put me in the strangest place. the sharp stings of not being good enough is something i haven't had for so long. i'd almost become accustomed and proud of myself for that achievement. and here i am, now. broken and in the end, a failure.

tomorrow is too similar. my wounds are still fresh and aching. somehow i have to find a way to be strong and upbeat again by the morning. how, though? the confidence i'd built so carefully is dashed. i feel small and quiet. i don't want to test myself, again. i don't want to risk hearing devastation crash through my brain, again. i don't want the feeling of guilt to double in pain because i messed up, again. i don't want to be a sore loser - but i'm tired of being sore.

i'm scared. i'm cautious and the anxiety has tripled and my confidence has hidden itself too well for me to locate. i'm broken down to hope, prayers and tears. i hope those can get me through. i'm trying to act tough for everyone. i'm trying to play it cool without too much sorrow. but right now, only right now, i'll let myself hurt.

my little firefly

hello, again.
you beautiful, tempting little reoccurring thought that keeps me up all night and distant all day. i adore the days you visit me so heavily, but i dread them just as much. you are just so perfect. every angle of your idea fills me with a matronly happiness. but the timing. thats what i cannot figure out just yet.

little firefly. all i can tell you as you settle your lips inside my ears -- someday. of course your invitation of pink powder and blue-lit dreams is accepted. stay with me, push my legs long enough and of course you'll find your way here. and as we both know, i'm not the only one who needs a little shove in the brain. my heart is so big. you're already settled in, i know. i hope you're happy there....until someday.

good morning kisses

droplets of sunshine were spilling effortlessly through the blinds in our basement apartment
my hazy eyes were so far from ready for the day that called me
i silently watched you with a hint of a goofy, sleepy smile on my face
you left the door open a crack as you got ready for the morning
i gazed at your silhouette, totally captivated like i've always been
you came back into our chilled bedroom before you left
big, glossy blue eyes fixing on the target
leaning over and kissing my cheek
the perfect assurance that today would be worth waking up to
and the silent white butterflies haven't left my heart since

A Catch

Give me half a chance. 

One chance

And I promise I'll blow your mind.  

I'm a heck of a catch

A perfect fit to the vacant puzzle

I'm the one you want

And I'll prove it

If you give me a chance. 

Still

I'm so captivated by you, still. Your exquisite personality and one-of-a-kind charm. To think that the best gift to happen to a girl happened to me that day we knelt in white. I'll never stop working to please you. To be every form and function of who you deserve to have hold your hand and squeeze your body for eternity. We are best friends - which is a cliche phrase you say when you're married, but I want to live that and make it so real that the whole world knows it and can feel it when they look at us. As our journey takes us into a world of change and age, I pray we never lose our newlywed spark and this tight-knit friendship and fierce dedication towards each other. I promise I'll do my part to only make it better. Because tonight as I lay beside your sleeping body, your chest rising and falling as you rest in dreamland, I am filled to the brim with a raw, completely real gratitude of who you are and what you do. I'm so captivated, still. 

you know me
the one who won't move
who won't give up holy ground
always beside you, love

Knot

So much is too dark

It was the longest day ever, yesterday

And all I've done is search manically for the light. 

I was happy that blue eyes never fell on my eyes with black bags underneath as I swallowed tears that so many times felt determined to escape my lashes. 

I wouldn't allow it - I just couldn't. 

Not today. 

The pit in my stomach raged like fire 

But as the day passed it became smaller. 

A knot. 

But it tied me up as tightly as it could have in its boney, self-centered fingers. I fell to its grey music too many times. 

All I needed was the usual hero. But that was standing underneath its own rain cloud. Consumed in its own self. 

The amount of loneliness was new and all too terrible. 

So now you see...maybe 

Just how important the light really was. Is. 

And in the end, I found the fragment of it. 

Sunshine

Don't give up, Sunshine. The world has not used you up quite yet. 

If you don't see it, lean on my belief in you until yours is as strong as the muscles that carry your worried body. 

Never apologize to me for your complaints. Don't let those words escape your pretty mouth. 

I'm your wife, it isn't just my job but my privilege. My honor and my joy. I like helping people, too. 

There is something divine in store for you. I promise, Sunshine. Your journey is only in its toddler stages. Just you wait, from dust, comes diamonds. 

Everything is happening to you, to us, in the exact time it was meant to. The exact time He planned for us. 

Each time your dam breaks, He sees you, He feels your pain and He reaches His hand down to hold yours and pat your back. "Don't give up." 

He hasn't given up on you. Never. 

I haven't given up on you, I certainly never will. 

I married you because I love you. Because I saw this amazing, courageous strength in you. Because you made me love myself. Because I knew you'd find a way to provide for me and support me in my endeavors. Because you were my rock from the beginning. Because I needed you - I still do. Because I just knew. 

You've a long line of supporters, ready to cheer you on to the finish line. When you've figured out your dream and you've worked your hardest to get there. We'll all be there. Cheering! And it will happen. 

Don't give up, Sunshine. One day at a time. One step at a time. You'll get there. ...and don't you think I'll let you do it alone.  

eager

my heart is swollen with an eager excitement and anxiety
nothing like i've ever experienced before
you're constantly taking up every centimeter in my brain
opportunities have finally bowed before your diamond eyes
and you look braver
more confident
than i've ever witnessed your soul
i'm proud of you
i'm completely smitten by this side of you
the side that takes chances
the man who leaves it on the floor
willing to accept any path
any answer
any opportunity
i melt into delight thinking you're mine
all this wondfulfullness
mine
the grandest example and the bravest of heroes
my heart is wrapped around you
my brain is captivated in every inch of your being
i'm all yours
for the high times and the low times
always wishing you the highest of highs
the best of the best
everything your genuine soul deserves
i'm rooting for you, love
always on your side

Word Vomit

This blinking cursor has been haunting me, lately. Begging me as I try to sleep, to fill the white space with my souls brainstorm and its every fiber. I neglect these things, too often, I suppose. "Your words will be an instrument to many..." You've no idea how often I hear the old, aged voice repeat that in my head - again, begging my fingers to spill inner musings. I love it, but I feel like I'm too old for it. Doesn't there come an age where you're too mature? Too...'old' to spill in ways like this? ..I'm trying to conform, again, aren't I? Trying to please others instead of caring about what my heart thinks. Old me, old habits. But I'm writing. I'm conjuring up sentences in my mind to fill empty canvas with. I attempt to draw beautiful paintings in your skull, they just seldom make it past my whirlwind-mind. Come around if you care to check on my brooding. I'm sure I'll allow myself a dump of words from time to time.